Table of Contents
- My boyfriend is Indian and I am white. I am also 7 years older. His parents are traditional and still in India. He wants to marry me. Will it happen?
- I’m Indian. He’s Black. My Journey From Prejudice To Love.
- Echoes of Freedom: South Asian Pioneers in California, 1899-1965: Chapter 9: Home Life
- Blog: 8 Steps To Surviving An Indian Mother-In-Law
- 5 Common Types Of Indian Mothers-In-Law And How To Deal With Them
- #1. The one who is jealous
- #2. The one who thinks you are not good enough for his pyara beta/beti
- #3. The one who is bossy
- #4. The one who is a perfectionist
- #5. The one who is nosy
- 6 Types of Indian Mothers-in-law and How To Deal With Them
- A brown woman with a white man brings out the worst in Indians
- Online dating 100 free indian women
- Measuring white privilege
- 10 reasons Why you should date an Indian guy.
My boyfriend is Indian and I am white. I am also 7 years older. His parents are traditional and still in India. He wants to marry me. Will it happen?
When I tell strangers in India that I am married to an Indian, their reaction ranges from shock to delight. Being in a relationship with an Indian, and a happy and successful relationship at that, hasn’t been easy. As a blonde eighteen year old, and a foreigner in love with an Indian, I came across a lot of opposition from my Indian man’s family and my own, and for a while, it felt like I was constantly justifying my relationship to everyone.
Dating an Indian man comes with many complications, and I’m delighted that we got past them and had our fabulous intercultural wedding last year, but the road hasn’t been easy at all.
If you’re in a relationship with an Indian man, there are some serious points you will need to consider if you’re planning a future together. I have seen many intercultural relationships with foreigners in love with Indians come and go, and some of the biggest issues they came across are listed below. If you’re in love with an Indian and are looking for some experienced advice, you’ve come to the right place!
Family Values: How Traditional is your Indian boyfriend?
The first time I met my boyfriend’s family, I had been told that I was going to ‘his’ house. Of course, I presumed this was a house that he independently owned, and did not expect to be greeted by his mother when the door was opened. (I then tripped over the step but that’s a story you can read here.) If you’re in a relationship with an Indian man, you’re likely to be in a relationship with his family too, as their values and opinions will be projected onto you, through him.
Is he expected to be the main caregiver? Do his family want him to marry a nice Indian girl because he is the oldest son? If he is a younger son you’re likely to face less opposition than if he is older, as the older son will inherit the majority of the family assets, and will be relied upon to provide for the parents as they age, in many traditional Indian households. Has he always dreamed of living with his family after marriage and taking care of them? Have these serious conversations early on, and understand that an inbuilt cultural expectation, is not easy to shift.http://thisisexpatindia.com/the-…
I’m Indian. He’s Black. My Journey From Prejudice To Love.
Jun 25, 2019 · 6 min read Subject: Sandeep Kaur Dhillon; Photographer: Alonya Eisenberg Lowe
Growing up in a traditional Punjabi household, I was constantly surrounded by color, fragrance, music, and flavor. I was also, at a very young age, acutely aware of how different I looked from the rest of my white American classmates.
There were a handful of colored children in my classes throughout elementary school — but they were different from the white kids in ways that were different from my different. So I couldn’t relate to them.
My “otherness” dissipated when I was at home. When I went to gurdwara (Sikh temple) every Sunday. When I went to visit relatives and attended Punjabi parties.
Growing up as “the other” should have provided my family with a deep-rooted understanding of the minority experience. An understanding that was infused with compassion and empathy for a shared struggle.
Unfortunately, it didn’t. I was brought up with the belief that white people and Punjabi people were the only kinds of people I should really spend time with. South Indians? They were too dark. Black Americans? They would rob you and are poor. Mexicans? They do your landscaping, and sometimes construction. Asians? They rip you off at the market (especially the Koreans) but they do have tasty food (excellent use of spices).
This is what I was taught — and if no one explicitly taught me, it is what I observed. Even after 9/11, when we had the opportunity to come together in love and support of the human spirit, my community continued to support beliefs about entire groups of people based exclusively on skin color and the negative stereotypes that accompanied that skin color.
My parents have evolved drastically over the past few years — the people they are now are not the same ones who raised me. Over the years, both my community and my parents have shifted their worldview, and I do notice that there’s a greater degree of acceptance, of an understanding that we are all here for a human experience, despite the skin within which we live.
This evolution, however, did not happen until later.
I received a scholarship to university when I was 17, and my father looked around during the school tour and said, “Look at all of this. You can come here, get an amazing opportunity, and ruin it by being with a black man. Or by becoming a social worker.” (I don’t really know which was worse to him).
My ex-mother-in-law supported her Punjabi daughter’s relationship to a white man. I asked her, “You’re okay that he’s white. But what if he was Mexican? Black? Asian? Muslim?”
“Oh, no no, I don’t like Asian’s eyes. Black? Never, black people? Never. Maybe a Mexican would be okay because they are family-oriented, but they don’t make money. White is better.”
I remember sitting next to her and nodding. I felt uncomfortable by her response, but couldn’t exactly articulate why. To me, racism was violence, aggression, whispers in public spaces. It was not a conversation on a sofa, surrounded by loved ones.
I was, at that point, still married to a man who was, as I reflect back on it, incredibly racist. It was not until I left that relationship that the depths of his racism, and the racism that surrounded me growing up, became apparent.
I remember comments after seeing a pretty black actress on the screen: “She wouldn’t look so pretty if she didn’t have that fake hair sewn onto her head.”
I think of it all now, and I feel physically ill. I participated in it, too. How could I not, when it was all I knew?
After I left my marriage and moved back to New York City to carve my own identity, away from my parents and a community that I continue to avoid, I met a woman who changed my life.
She would become my best friend, my teacher, my comfort. She is a black woman, born in the Bronx and raised in St. Lucia. As a gay Caribbean woman, she lived in an unaccepting world. She has, in her young life, experienced neglect, isolation, and abuse that makes my heart ache for her.
She was the first black person that I regularly interacted with. She was my first black friend.
And she saw my heart and the potential for love within it, and she nurtured it. She took me under her wing and opened my eyes to a world I’d never seen before. She told me to let go of my guilt, to use my shame to fuel my desire to learn more about the world around me.
She allowed me to ask questions, questions that other people would find irreverent and racist.
Why do black women wear weaves and wigs? What age is it okay to allow your black child to get a weave or braids or whatever hairstyle he/she wants? Why don’t you like being called African-American? Why does that person prefer being called African-American? Is Caribbean-American the correct term for you? Why are you okay with that person using certain words but not okay with the other person?
As my friendship with her deepened, I began dating for the first time since my divorce. The first serious romantic involvement I had with a man post-divorce was with a Ghanaian man. He was horribly offended at anyone calling him black. He was Ghanaian. African. Not black. Not African-American.
Because I worked in an area in Harlem that was heavily populated with people of African and Caribbean descent, every man I dated was African — Nigeria, Ghana, Gambia, Ethiopia. They spoke the language or dialect of their motherland, ate the foods from their countries, and reminded me of my own upbringing. Flavor, spice, color, vibrancy.
But they were also different from me. They didn’t remind me of my ex-husband, and that is what I needed. Men similar enough in cultural richness but disparate enough where I wouldn’t see my ex in them.
When I moved home to California, I dated a white man. I thought I would be with him for the long-term. But I felt loud when I was with him. I felt different. I felt like “the other.” So I dated an Asian man. But then I decided I wanted to explore dating Indian men again. I so terribly missed speaking my language with my partner. Dancing to bhangra, making achaar for our dinners, enjoying the flavors of my cultural roots.
And then I met my boyfriend. He’s the first man I’ve dated who calls himself “black.” He is not African. He is African-American. He does not speak a different language. He does not cook exotic dishes or own any non-Western garb. He listens to hip hop music, cracks jokes using racial slurs, and calls me his Punjabi Queen. He pushes me to ask daring questions about race and color. He is secure, unafraid, unapologetic. And he encourages me to be the same.
He listens to me patiently. When we argue, he steps back to see my perspective. He brings me flowers to work to brighten my day. He allows himself to be vulnerable and seeks to improve his emotional intelligence on a daily basis. He awkwardly attempts to say words in my language. He is the first man who encourages me to be unabashedly myself. And he accepts me.
So, does it matter that he cannot speak my language? That he is not Sikh, that he does not eat spicy foods, that his skin tone is shades and shades darker than my own? That my parents, who accept and support my relationship with him, cannot connect with him over Punjabi culture?
I don’t know. I don’t know what it will be like to have a child with this man, if that ever happens with him. We talk about it. He finds the idea thrilling. I do, too, once my fear dissipates. I endured so much racism growing up — the kind that still haunts me when I visit a state or country where darker-skinned people aren’t fully welcomed.
I remember being spit on, I remember being bullied, I remember the fear of screaming men in parking lots, shouting “Terrorist!” at my family as we loaded up our groceries. And I am aware of my own former racism, aware of my partner’s experience of being a black man in America. The idea of burdening a child with the history of both my blood and his blood is scary — I don’t care if that makes me sound racist. It’s the truth.
So I don’t know if it matters in the long term that he is black and that I am Punjabi. What I do know is that I love him. I know he encourages me. And I know that my life and my world is better with him in it. And I think, for now, that is enough.
Over five years ago, during my Christmas break, I googled “how to tell your indian parents you have a white boyfriend.” B and I had been dating for two years, so we were officially serious. My friends were asking, he was asking, his parents were asking, When are you going to tell your parents? The pressure was on, and I had no idea what to do. I was listening to “Defying Gravity” (that song is made for defiant teenage girls) and “Two Birds” (B was the bird who was ready to fly on to the next step, I was the bird holding on to the wire) on loop for years just to prep myself for the conversation that I knew had to happen.
I think the movie industry has covered Indian families enough so that most people have a basic understanding of why Indian children are so terrified to talk to their parents about dating and relationships. And, if you haven’t been exposed to The Namesake or Bend It Like Beckham or Monsoon Wedding or Touch of Pink (seriously, there are SO MANY MOVIES because Americans can’t get enough of our dysfunctional families), then hopefully you have an Indian friend or two who taught you something. If not, this girl and this wife cover the basics.
To add to your perception of Indians and marriage, let me add this shocker: not all Indian marriages are arranged. My parents, now married for 28 years, were a “love marriage,” and—at least in my tiny little subculture of Malayalee Christians and their North Indian college friends in North Texas—many modern pairings are “love marriages,” too. When I reached the marriageable age of 22, my mother was encouraging me to start dating good Indian boys. Unfortunately for her, I was already with B.
I never quite fit in with my Malayalee peers to figure out the intricacies of Indian dating (hence the white husband…), but apparently there’s lots of sneaking around and lying that goes around with just dating the “right” kind of person, too. However, when you finally come “out” to your parents with the “right” kind of Indian from the “right” kind of religious background, I imagine your family would react much differently than mine did.
What I was worried would happen if I told my parents:
- They would actually have the fabled “heart attack” induced by unruly children, and die. This is a basic Indian parent defense mechanism: appeal to your child’s sense of guilt by telling him/her that you have heart disease, and you will die if you hear any stressful news. Guaranteed to work unless your children hate you for stressing them out so much, and they do want you to die.
- They would lock me in my room until I repented. I know, this sounds like Rapunzel, but it happens. It happens in Malayalee movies, and it actually happened to one of my friends when her parents found out about her white boyfriend, or so I heard through the Indian grapevine. And that happened soon after I started dating B, so of course I was scared of this.
- They would increase security in the family so that my siblings and cousins would not be tempted to date unacceptable partners (or any partners). As the oldest in my generation, I was always told that my actions would affect the fates of those who came after me. If I married an undesirable, our family name would be tainted and no one would want to marry my siblings or cousins, or they’d just make sure my siblings and cousins didn’t see the light of day.
- They would disown me. As much as I love to complain about them, my family is really important to me. Feeling a deep tie between one’s family and one’s identity is an essential part of Indian culture. The fear of losing that tie and that part of yourself is one of the biggest reasons why Indian kids back out of “unacceptable” relationships.
- Honor killings. This one’s not funny. Part of the reason I was so paranoid about my parents finding out was because I heard of one happening in the States when B and I were still new. I was scared to death that my dad would snap and come after us (he didn’t).
Because I didn’t fit in with my South Indian peers, I didn’t have a confidant who really understood what I was going through. My best friends were Muslim, hailing from Pakistan or North India (and that’s a whole different culture–check out Aaminah Khan if you need help with that), or white. The advice that I got about how to tell my parents about B went from “OMGOMGOMGOMG be careful! You don’t want to ruin your life” to “You’re an adult and your parents have to see you as an adult now” (hahahaha yes, please try telling that to Indian parents of unmarried girls) to “Fuck it. Fuck them. Just tell them the truth and get over it.” (To my friends’ credit, those are not direct quotes.)
And that’s why, after two years of anxious diarrhea and sleepless nights, I went to Google. At the time, all I found were Indian men’s white wives whose accounts of grappling Indian culture sounded too much like a conquistador’s journal, or forums filled with people who were just as lost as I was. I couldn’t identify with Indian-male-white-female relationship problems (there is a strong double-standard regarding dating in our culture, as evidenced by the dearth of Indian-female-white-male marriages), so I went to the forums. I found people with “modern” parents, who wholeheartedly accepted their child’s lover of another race. I found people who just had to suck it up, be brave, tell their parents, and deal with the shitstorm that happened afterwards. I found some who could only tell their parents after they had moved out, found a “grown-up” job, and supported themselves (I took this path, but apparently Indian girls aren’t supposed to get that independent. I just ended up insulting my parents further). I found some who were even more fucked up than I was: had a secret marriage, had kids, and still hadn’t told their parents.
Needless to say, Google and its endless forums didn’t really help. Rather than acting, I let my fear and fury fester while I fantasized possible ways of “coming out” for the next three years.
How I thought I would tell my parents about my white boyfriend
- Hollywood-style: Over a holiday meal. What better time to deliver unpleasant news than during the holidays? Everyone’s together, and you can get all your emotions out at once. In fact, Christmas Eve dinner at IHOP was how I came “out” to my siblings about B (but they already knew through Facebook, so it wasn’t really a surprise). Alas, everyone’s so happy that I could never do it.
- College-style: After a few shots of vodka. I talked to my parents after vodka once. I said what I wanted to say, and they thought I was funny. If it worked that one time, why not when I’m trying to tell them something important?
- Over the phone. I moved 300 miles away to go to graduate school. That’s definitely too far for them to make an impulsive drive to kick my ass. I thought a phone call during my four years in West Texas would be the key to finally telling them.
- Through a tattle-tale. Indian moms are just dying to gossip. After about four years of dating, I started getting lazy about looking out for Indians when we went on dates. I was hoping someone would find us and tell my parents so I wouldn’t have to.
- Through a faulty lie. Again, I was hoping my laziness would win over my fears. My excuses became less and less convincing as the years passed. Maybe my parents would find me in a hometown Wal-Mart when they thought I was away in a library at graduate school. Maybe they would see us at the movies when I said I was at a sleepover with my girlfriends. Maybe they’ll figure out that my sudden love for polar bears was inspired by my oh-so-white-and-pale boyfriend.
- While I’m talking in my sleep. I don’t even talk in my sleep. Just wishful thinking.
- While I’m on the phone with him when I’m home for the holidays. I used to be really quiet when I was on the phone. I’d hide in my closet and talk in a tiny voice that I was sure you couldn’t hear over the air conditioning. As the years went by, I stopped caring. Part of me was hoping they’d be annoying parents and take my phone and ask who was on the other line.
- Divine intervention. My mom did have dreams of me coming home with “the one” or “the grandchild.” Maybe this is how Gabriel intervenes. However, I didn’t take the divine hint and ask her about the color of my dream lover or baby.
We’re out now, and finishing up our first year of parent-approved marriage. But the way we did it—the way I did it—was far from what you should do. After six years of secrets, we were both fed up with lying, and we got impatient to grow up and get over it. Although we were together for six years, he and I and my parents (the “we” that I was too terrified to consider) were not. We came out suddenly and without warning to my parents, and I was not ready for what ensued.
I searched “how to tell your Indian parents you have a white boyfriend” for the first time in five years because I wanted to know if the internet had anything more to offer girls who are stuck like I was. Thanks to bloggers, the internet has much more concrete steps and advice to approach your parents than what I found during my initial search. I wish I had Madh Mama’s How To five years ago. Compared to her list and her story, I did everything wrong. So here’s my anti-How-To for any Indian girls with white boyfriends who are so desperate for advice that they will look to Google. I hope my experience can help you in some way.
How you shouldn’t tell your parents about your white boyfriend
- Hold on to your secret for six years. Chances are, if you’ve got problems telling your parents about your boyfriend, you’re young. If you have a white boyfriend when your parents told you not to, you will probably hold a lot of anger and resentment in you for however long you keep it a secret. You will be angry that you can’t share this wonderful part of you because of your parents’ “backwards” ideas. Holding on to anger for as long as I did, especially when you’re young and growing up into your own, hurts you and all your relationships. Anger will define you and haunt you, and you may not know how to let go.
- Tell them not to attend your graduation because you don’t want them to see you living in sin. I did a bitch move and decided not to walk at my Master’s graduation because I was scared my parents would see B in my apartment. They were always supportive parents, and they were hurt that I denied them the chance to congratulate me.
- Only tell Mom because Dad’s too scary, and hopefully he’ll just figure it out. #3 from “How I thought I would tell my parents” actually happened… but only with Mom. She knew my dad wouldn’t take it well, so she told me I had to take care of that announcement on my own without her help. So I never did. And I just ended up hurting my dad more when I finally came out because he was the only one who didn’t know.
- Announce a surprise engagement. Yeah, so… this is how I came “out” to my parents. B got tired of asking me when he would finally meet my parents, and just got down on one knee and gave me a ring. Getting engaged before meeting parents seems so normal in the movies…
- Post your engagement on Facebook because they won’t pick up the phone or talk to you about it. I called my parents immediately after the engagement to tell them. But. My mom picked up. So I said, “I need to talk to Dad. It’s important.” She got suspicious, said he was busy, and asked if she could give him a message. I insisted on talking to Dad because, for once, I wanted to do things right. And (here’s where you see that I’m my father’s daughter) he was too scared of the news I would have to give him, so he never called me back. He never picked up the phone when I called. For. Three. Months. He didn’t say a word to me, even after I came home for the summer and lived under the same roof. So I got tired of not being able to tell anyone else, and I posted our engagement on Facebook. The rest of the family found out through Facebook and was outraged that no one told them in person.
- Over text messages. My dad, now angry that over the Facebook announcement, would talk to me, but only through text messages. And man, were they ugly text messages. We were both terrible to each other and hurt each other more deeply than we ever had before.
- Through aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins. Still unable to face each other, we had family members intercede for us to each other. It sounds like a good idea, but it ended up with the whole family getting angry and picking sides.
If you’re like me, and you have a tendency to be a bit rebellious, and you have or will do any of the things I just told you not to do, here’s what you can expect. Because they all happened to me. Somehow, it all worked out in my family, and although we’re far from the picture-perfect, lovey-dovey Bollywood family, we’re still together. And I hope you have the same hope that I do, because sometimes our families love us so much that they surprise us.
What you can expect if you do it the WRONG way (like I did)
- They will get angry. They told you not to do this one thing for years. Let them get pissed.
- They will cry. You heard them guilt-trip you about the hopes and dreams that they pinned on you from birth. They’re going to bring all that back up and guilt-trip you some more, but this time, with tears.
- They will try to convince you not to do it. They’ll pick on whatever they can pick on to persuade you to leave him. My dad even told me that Indians and white people have different libidos and that I may not be able to please my husband once I reach middle age (because white people are sex-crazed and Indians can do without…). It’s OK to laugh. My dad’s weird.
- They will tear him down. That one thing that he’s insecure about? They’ll find it, and use it against you.
This face: It WILL happen.
But if your parents are polite, it’ll be directed at you and not him.
- They will tear you down. Those memories that they said they’d forgive and forget? They’ll show you that they did not forgive or forget.
- You will tear them down (and not in the “Yeah! I just won over my parents!” way). You’re their child, and you learned to hit them wear it hurts. You will probably lash out just as much poison as they’re serving you. Be careful. You don’t have control over what they’re saying, but you do have control over what you say.
- (Hopefully) You will both get over it. My family and I got to a point where we realized we loved each other too much to abandon the other. And it’s hard, and we’re still dealing with some of the hurt feelings that started two years ago, but we’re trying.
- They will approach your wedding with the attitude that if they’re “allowing” you to marry a white guy, then you must allow them to do whatever they want with your wedding plans. If you have been watching Say Yes to the Dress or any other wedding shows on TLC where they tell you that this is your day and you should exercise your ascent into adulthood, forget it. I kept hearing Randy’s voice telling me it’s my day, and my parents saw me as a spoiled brat when I put my foot down during planning. My family wanted me to let them have some say in my wedding planning because I didn’t let them have any say in my guy.
- Your engagement and the first months of your marriage will feel like what the first year of dating should have felt like. Meeting the family was something you should have done years ago. Remember how you felt when you first met his family: awkward, scared out of your wits, and more conscious of your skin color than you ever were before? He’s feeling that, except ten times more because you spent years avoiding this moment and telling him how scary your family is.
- (Hopefully) It will get better, and you and your family will grow. I can’t speak for every family. I know some families are rough. I know some families are fucking crazy, and some are just downright dangerous. I can’t tell you that your story will end positively. But I hope it does. Our family problems didn’t stop after our wedding. Actually, they got worse during the holidays, probably because everyone was still traumatized and oversensitive from the wedding. But I do feel that we are all getting better and growing together. I have hope for our family, and I hope you can say the same for yours. Good luck.
I hope you have this moment.
Have you been there, done that, too? What other advice do you have for those who don’t know how to approach their parents about an “unacceptable” or “unconventional” relationship?
Echoes of Freedom: South Asian Pioneers in California, 1899-1965: Chapter 9: Home Life
While most of the early immigrants intended to work a few years in the United States and then return to India, as they became established in farming or successful in business they began to think of staying permanently. But immigration policies severely restricted the entry of the immigrants’ families into the United States. Because of these policies only a very few Indian women immigrated to the United States before 1945. According to R. K. Das, nothing embittered the immigrants “as much as this policy of exclusion; for it is not only injustice to them, but also to their innocent wives and children.”
A few men did succeed in immigrating with their wives. Bakhshish Singh, who had first come to San Francisco in 1899 as a businessman, returned permanently in 1910 with his new wife, Rattan Kaur. The couple lived first in Oregon and finally settled in the San Joaquin Valley. The few Punjabi women who did immigrate felt very isolated at first in the United States. In India the women were rarely alone, working together sharing the domestic duties. When interviewed by Allan Miller, Nand Kaur, the wife of Puna Singh, said “she was very lonely when she first came to America, but, since then, because of her family and occasional get-togethers with Mexican wives of Sikhs, she feels happier.” Mrs. Singh’s son Paul had recently married the daughter of Lashman Singh from Los Angeles in a civil ceremonyfollowed by a Sikh ceremony at the Stockton Temple, after which a banquet, including 75 pounds of “Sikh candy,” was served.
But many men could not bring brides from India and so sought wives among women living in the United States. Anti-miscegenation laws, which stayed on the books in California until 1948, prohibited intermarriage between races. This meant that it was hard for the Indian men to marry white women. Although a number of these marriages did take place, they were always the occasion for comment. When “well-to-do farmer B. K. Singh married the sixteen-year old daughter of one of his tenants in 1918 one headline read, ‘Hindu Weds White Girl by Stealing Away to Arizona.’ The article speculated that since Imperial County would not issue a license for a Punjabi and a white woman, it was doubtful that the clerk in Yuma acted legally.”
Most Indian men sought wives among the Mexican women, many of whom were themselves recent immigrants to the United States, fleeing from the violence of the Mexican revolution. While these marriages were technically between different races, according to race definitions of the time, most civil authorities sanctioned them, giving the same race on the marriage registry for both bride and groom—“brown,” “black,” or “white.” When a Punjabi did marry a Mexican wife it was common for her to then facilitate the marriage of her sisters or other relatives to Punjabis. Cultural differences sometimes caused friction. The men were not used to the degree of freedom the women expected. And in a system where business partners became, in many ways, like an extended family, the women found they had the strange and unwelcome duty of cooking and washing for their husbands’ unmarried partners. The rate of divorce, sometimes reaching 20 percent, was slightly higher than the average at that time. Still the majority of the marriages were stable unions, characterized by tolerance and love. Moola Singh married Susanna Mesa Rodriguez Singh in 1937. About the marriage Moola relates:
“When I met Susanna, she did sewing, she’s a good farmer girl. She cut all the kids’ hair, she made all their clothes…I found Susanna in 1937, and then everything got good. Susanna, she didn’t want to buy anything, she only wanted to buy groceries. She chopped cotton, she worked, she didn’t even want to buy a dress. I went to the store, I bought her a dress.”
Although the Punjabi men were tolerant and adaptable to the new culture themselves, they sometimes were more adamant in their expectations of their children, particularly of their sons. Karen Leonard relates a story told by Mike Singh. A group of fathers were sitting around one day boasting about their sons and betting heavily on who could run the fastest. Mike’s father tookhim aside and told him to run like “a lionhearted Sikh warrior. Nobody can beat you; run and win.” Mike gave it a try. “I ran,” he remembers, “but the other boy was ahead of me most of the way…Then I hit it and ran, a Sikh warrior, ran for my heart and beat him by two yards.” The image of a Sikh warrior was not very familiar to the boy, but his father’s unbending expectation—that he would be the best and never give up—struck a chord. According to Indian custom, the men did not expect their wives or daughters to inherit their land and usually made wills in favor of sons or other male relatives. Widows were often poorly provided for and usually fared better if their husbands died intestate.
In Northern California fewer immigrants married and the dominant pattern of social life continued to be bachelors living in dormitory-style bunkhouses or several bachelors living together on land that one of them owned or leased. They would hire one man to cook. Men in the camps ate mostly roti, an Indian whole wheat pancake, and vegetables, many grown in their gardens, including Punjabi favorites like karela (bitter gourd) and okra. The men were fond of cooking with butter and had a saying, ghi banaunda salan (the butter makes the curry). R. K. Das estimated the Indians consumed about 15 pounds of butter a month each. Ice cream was also a food universally liked by the Punjabis, and, when visiting, it was considered polite to bring along a package of ice cream as a gift for the host. One of their favorite pastimes was making jokes, many revolving around someone’s birthplace in Punjab. The men of the Patiala area would claim to be of excellent physique and prowess, while poking fun at people coming from Hoshiarpur, whom they viewed as hillbillies. Allan Miller reported that these men had very few bad habits except for the heavy drinking that was a regular part of their social interaction, during which discussion and debate could escalate into quarrels and violence.
The immigrants were frugal, directing most free money to the purchase or leasing of land, but they also spent some money on luxuries. “The Hindustanees on the Pacific Coast,” says R. K. Das, “enjoy a good many comforts, such as silk shirts and turbans, scented oil and soap and perfumery of all sorts.” Some even bought gramophones and sent for records from India. Movies were also an occasional treat and the bachelors at Van Tiger Ranch had pictures of Indian movie actresses on their walls. They were fond of modern vehicles, starting with bicycles, then moving on to Fords, and finally up to Buicks and Dodges. But they never went into debt for comforts. During depressed times they would lower their standard of living and stay within their means rather than borrow money.
To Chapter 10: US vs. Bhagat Singh Thind >
Blog: 8 Steps To Surviving An Indian Mother-In-Law
Mothers-in-law are that standalone breed that few bahus understand but most have to live with because what isn’t going away can be devious and injurious to your health. There is a reason why most of us do not accept a Facebook friend request from the M-I-L! So here are 8 tips to surviving her:
1. What you get is not what you met
It’s one big fairy tale when your boyfriend first introduces you to his mother. There is a love fest of the sort you will never come close to seeing again, just as that first cuppa will remain the most peaceful you have ever shared in the house. So, don’t go singing paeans too early, because things turn around and darn quickly! Once you are married and the sheen wears off, “Reality Bites” becomes more than just a 90s movie with a great soundtrack. Don’t go looking for what was, accept it’s over and instead remember: that was then, this is now, and the twain shall not meet. The quicker you accept the change of dynamics, the easier it is to set your own boundaries and go with the flow that suits you.
2. Always the daughter-in-law, never the daughter
Make no mistake: you will never be the daughter of the house, especially if there are a couple of them hanging around anyway. Your mother-in-law, like my sister’s, can gushingly tell your mom how she is gaining another daughter, but those were just the right empty words said at the right time. She and her daughter will gossip when they think you aren’t listening and hide expensive gifts to and from each other when they think you aren’t watching. Someone I know actually walked in to see her sister-in-law jump down to lie prostrate over a box; the next day she was wearing new solitaire earrings! Easier said than done, but shrug and go buy your own, because no matter how hard you try, you will remain the outsider. Have zero expectations and who knows? Some day, you may actually be surprised!
3. Keep it separate, keep it sane
In all our Hindi dramas, the politics of the ladies of the house is often over a burning stove, and metaphorically, there is probably some truth in it. Before you get married, make sure the kitchens are separate, or you at least have a pantry of your own, because trying to do that later will instantly earn you the label of a home-breaker! Keeping it independent gives you not just physical distance but also emotional space, plus you can eat what you like, when you like, just like me!
4. Grow a thick skin
The feeble and the naive will sink because a mother-in-law is a player and she gets the game way better than you. She will dismiss your parents, insist you meet every long-lost relative and often behave as though she is the victim. I have seen friends flinging their phones in frustration at the drama in the house, but it is better to accept that there is no equality and that sons-in-law and their families will get the red carpet and the best food on the table. A friend’s sister-in-law is married into a very well-to-do business family and she initially struggled with the disparity in treatment, but now dismisses it, knowing there is no cure for a patriarchal mindset.
5. They are not babysitters, get yourself a nanny
Pregnancy makes you believe in the surreal, like what a wonderful world it will be when your baby meets her grand-mother who will leap forward to help you change diapers along with the tedious task of making the baby burp. Boom! Here is your baby, her dirty diaper and her gurgling mouth with saliva leaking out of it! The mother-in-law will not budge from her routine and the baby is just a show-off piece for the poker gang when he or she is looking presentable. Otherwise, the grandmother wants nothing of “it” till the baby is at least five years of age. A friend learnt it the hard way when her mother-in-law barely made it to the hospital before the delivery and then told her to get her own mother to help or do it herself because she wouldn’t be pitching in.
6. Your child, a scoring game
When your child becomes less of a monkey and resembles a human being, the mother-in-law surfaces, taking over and confusing him. Although he doesn’t remember spending much time with her, she regales him with stories of how she brought him up and he slept with her night after night while his parents were supposedly out partying. This is a true story that a relative is still juggling with, since none of it actually happened. But don’t fret about your child being influenced, that phase too shall pass. Your child grows up and sifts the exaggerations from the truth, I have seen that with my own. And, no matter how hard she tries, he will always be your child.
7. Her illness is always bigger than yours
Don’t bother even mentioning that you are under the weather because that’s the trigger for a knee creaking in shattering pain or the sudden bout of weakness that hits only in front of a daughter-in-law. They will not move an inch from the couch to help you, so learn to fend for yourself and if it’s bad, call in your family as reinforcements. If your husband is as smart as mine and knows the truth from the theatrics, he will see the real picture, else it’s not a bad idea to be double-faced too!
8. Seasons in the sun
After the breakdown comes the patch-up which is the uneasy calm before another meltdown. That’s the in-law cycle and it’s best to not fight it. Most of us have tried and given up! Go along for the ride and if everything else fails, put the plant known as “Mother-in-law’s tongue” in your bedroom. It’s good for not just keeping mosquitoes away but can also work as your personal voodoo tool!
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. The facts and opinions appearing in the article do not reflect the views of NDTV and NDTV does not assume any responsibility or liability for the same.
5 Common Types Of Indian Mothers-In-Law And How To Deal With Them
You can choose your life partner, but not your mother-in-law. Once you are married to your partner, you kind of marry his/her mother too. Love them or hate them, you just cannot avoid them. But, not every mother-in-law is the same. Every MIL has some unique characteristics that make her different from your friends’ or relatives’ mother-in-law.
And ways to deal with them are also different. If you are wondering how many types of mothers-in-law can possibly be out there and how to handle them, then just scroll down to know the answers.
Recommended Read: 16 Really Simple Ways To Make His Mother Fall For You
#1. The one who is jealous
Image Courtesy: Mother India
Losing her son/daughter to you is what makes her jealous. This envious feeling might be due to her over-protective nature, territorial feeling or the thought that he will no longer care or love his/her mom. And, winning such an MIL is not an easy task.
How to deal with them
Praise her how well she has raised her son/daughter, and that you too would love to inculcate the same values in your child so that he/she can become like his father/mother. This might just do the trick.
Also See: 6 Reasons That Will Tempt You To Marry A Mama’s Boy
#2. The one who thinks you are not good enough for his pyara beta/beti
Image Courtesy: Monster-In-Law
‘My child had so many good proposals, but till date I just do not know why he/she selected you’, ‘He/she could have done better’ or ‘You are not the type of wife/husband I imagined for my son/daughter’ or some similar kind of taunts is what you will hear every now and then from your MIL. And, she will not hesitate even for a second to say such things in front of people. No matter what you do or how happy your husband/wife is with you, your MIL will never be pleased.
Image Courtesy: Sumit Sambhal Lega
Ask her why she does not think that you are not good for his son/daughter. Tell her that her child is happy with you, and you both truly love each other. Tell her that she may have had many good proposals, but he/she chose her/him to be his wife/husband for some good reason, and your MIL should not doubt her son’s/daughter’s decision!
Do Read: Bipasha Basu’s Sisters Plan A Sweet Surprise For Her Ahead Of Her Wedding To Karan Singh Grover
#3. The one who is bossy
Image Courtesy: Sarabhai Vs. Sarabhai
From the moment she walks into your house till the time she leaves it- she talks about the changes you need to make in the house. She will not ask your opinion about anything, but will always give you orders, which you have to follow even if you do not like it. The news of her arrival makes you nervous and anxious rather than happy.
Image Courtesy: Dainik Bhaskar
Tell them that although what she said is right, but you like certain things as they are or you have a different way of getting things done. Just make sure you say this with a smile and with a lot of politeness. You do not want to hurt her pride!
Recommended Read: 10 Ridiculously Funny Reasons Why Girls Want To Get Married
#4. The one who is a perfectionist
Image Courtesy: What The Fish
Dealing with such a MIL can be a huge challenge especially if you are laid-back and not such a perfectionist daughter-in-law/son-law. Your MIL will watch your every action. How you dress up, chop vegetables, iron clothes, take care of kids, attend your friends, your etiquettes and many more things. She will always tell you how to do this and that in the right way. With her around the house, you will always be scrutinised. You will feel like you are giving some sort of agni pariskha.
Image Courtesy: Hasee Toh Phasee
Just relax and do not be nervous when she is around. Tell her that you are not as perfectionist as her, but will love to learn a thing or two.
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#5. The one who is nosy
Image Courtesy: DIl Chahta Hai
Your every business is her business! She loves to know of every single detail about your daily life, the things you and your husband talk about, who called you and why, what did you people talk about, when you are having a baby and every other detail related to your life.
Image Courtesy: Rangrasiya
Discuss with your partner and set boundaries about what to and what not to tell your MIL. It is always good to keep such an intrusive party at bay as they can sometimes sabotage the relationship.
Recommended Read: 8 Easy Tricks For Brides To Keep Their Sanity Before Wedding Day
And, if you have a MIL who has none of these qualities, then you sure are one lucky person! Your mother-in-law is a saint. Just love her and she will love you back with all her heart. So, which type of mother-in-law do you have and how did you deal with her? Do share with us.
Last Updated on April 10, 2019
Ladies, we’ve decoded everything about your mothers-in-law! Love them or hate them, there’s no escaping them, but here are some practical ways to deal with your dear Mother-in-law. Plus, some real Bahus have told us exactly how they feel about their MILs and have shared tips to strengthen this relationship!
Yeah, we’re progressing as a nation, and more and more of us can finally choose our own husbands (or wives) but there’s still one thing we don’t realise till we’re in too deep (in love, that is)! We don’t realise that with our hubby dearest comes along his mother dearest. Yeah, we’re progressing as a nation, and more and more of us can finally choose our own husbands (or wives) but there’s still one thing we don’t realise till we’re in too deep (in love, that is)! We don’t realise that with our hubby dearest comes along his mother dearest.
And his mother dearest will definitely have her own set of characteristics, quirks and moods that take some getting used to, no?
But worry not, we’re here to decode your mother-in-law, so you can learn how to deal with her better…promise!
Before you read about our light-hearted (and probably exaggerated) take on Indian Moms-in-law, watch what Counsellor Ajanta De has to say about living with In-laws
6 Types of Indian Mothers-in-law and How To Deal With Them
1. The Sky-High Expectations MIL
She think you aren’t good enough for her son and she makes no effort to hide this belief from you. Any chance she gets she will talk about the proposals her darling son got from all the affluent family friends and pseudo-celebs and then sadly shake her head. If she is a notch further, she will even talk about this in front of guests and other family members!
How You Could Tackle This: Ask her politely why she believes you aren’t good enough for her son. Tell her that he is happy with you and the choice to spend forever together was mutual. If her son is so valuable to her, then his choice of a partner should be equally valuable. Let her see just why you both are so perfect together.
Bahu Speak: “Deal with it. You may have given birth to the perfect boy but I am his soulmate for life now and he picked me. It would only be easier if you accepted this fact graciously”
2. Mrs. Perfect
The challenge with dealing with a perfectionist as a mom-in-law is that you might be the opposite. You may be laid-back and you know that won’t go down well with her. She may itch to comment on how to dress-up (or down), how you should do your hair, how you must chop veggies … on virtually everything you do! You’re in a constant state of stress from all the pressure that is coming from her and might dread walking out of the room just to avoid her
How You Could Tackle This: Try as much as possible to be ‘you’ around her. Let her learn your ways and gradually accept them. Do not worry about filling the large shoes she expects you to but be open to her suggestions, after all she is an expert at making your husband happy. Talk to her about how you feel, and tell her while there are some things that you’d love to learn from her, there are some that you cannot. Introduce her to the art of relaxing. Who knows, you could have a future spa-buddy in her!
Bahu Speak: “Dearest MIL, I have no background in housekeeping or cooking but I am trying my BEST. Let’s go back to when you were younger and have a little more empathy, shall we?”
3. The Jealous One
It’s a constant tug-of-war for your husband’s affections and the poor man is getting caught in between the two women in his life.
How You Could Tackle This: Understand that the reason she may be feeling or acting this way is because she feels like she has lost her son to you. It isn’t easy for a mom to let go of her baby. Praise her on how well she has raised her son and appreciate her for the good values that drew you to him in the first place. Tell her that you’d love for her grandkids to imbibe the same values and watch her beam with pride.
Bahu Speak: “My mother-in-law is super-understanding about giving me and my hubby our space. Somedays though she forgets he isn’t a little baby anymore but I completely get that. My husband is thankfully able to tackle her emotions and mine both, I guess I got lucky, eh?”
4. The Nosy Parker
Boundaries, ever heard of them? Everything you and hubby do as a couple, is her business… right down to babymaking! *Cringe*. She will keep asking you details about everything and will even give you suggestions on how to go about life better. It doesn’t stop at this, it even goes on to more personal things like – do you still shave down there?
How You Could Tackle This: Talk to your husband about this first. If he agrees that his mother’s questions can get uncomfortable, let him speak to her about boundaries that need to be respected. These problems can cause quite a build-up if not tackled early.
Bahu Speak: “It took 4 years of us having to keep our bedroom doors unlocked and ajar at all times, answering questions about our personal decisions and having no time alone before my husband and I finally moved to our own apartment. I can finally feel married now that I am out of that prison! Now my mother-in-law’s questions are actually welcome and we don’t mind them as we don’t get to see her every waking moment.”
5. The Bossy One
She has set ways and rules and makes no room for adjustments. Her speech usually contains orders on what you should do and what you cannot. You feel like you are in the military around her and it puts a strain on your everyday life.
How You Could Tackle This: Tell her that although she is right in her ways, you like certain things in a certain way too and that as adults you are entitled to make your own choices. Tell her it is making you unhappy and you’d love to do as she says when you agree with her. Of course, do this politely; this type may be over-sensitive.
Bahu Speak: “I understand that my MIL finds it tough to share the role of a homemaker with me. I value her expertise and adapt to it when I genuinely do not understand something. However, I’d like for her to do the same.”
6. The Perfect Saasuma
She does not exist. Neither does a perfect daughter in law. But the closest you can get to perfection is when your relationship is relatively smooth-sailing, and you are blessed with an understanding mom-in-law. Love and treasure her. She may not interfere in your space but do sit down and talk to her once in a while. Perhaps spend time dicussing your husband’s childhood, all moms-in-law love this! Perhaps you could ask her to help you out with the baby or a dish you are trying out for the first time. All these things will help you get closer in the years to come.
Relationships grow over time and while no one can replace your actual ma and pa, your in-laws are equally important too. True, you may require a lot more patience, a lot of adapting and a lot of forgiveness, but that is a part and parcel of marriage. You did the same for your husband, so why not for the woman who bore and raised him into the man of your dreams?
A brown woman with a white man brings out the worst in Indians
You talk like a saint. I know lots of things about USA and how they white girls. Can I show you?? Indian men and women are attractive enough and we should be that to each other. As a nation that is continuously insulted by western countries and similar states as a nation of poverty-stricken savages or an ugly group women india who indian their white women, the least we can do is grow some self-respect, marry our own kind and work towards developing our own state with heads indian high. I can relate…I have some friends who are crazy about these stuffs so they just ignores Black or Brown girls over Whites,which I presume is Racism. I have some Foreign friends so I know how much is go here to live in India as a Foreigner…there are some morons are their annoying behaviour india you may have already seen this across Social medias,how they are crazy about getting indian but there are also nice people. Found this article because dating boyfriend lives in are WOMEN is Indian, and his family is men still in India. He is preparing to let them know I American exist, and I was just looking into what to expect. The story that a man took out 3 condoms in are lot appears fake and over exaggerated for the following reasons. Of course it appears funny and is useful in forcing people to read further. He parked the car at a restaurant and not outside a women so why would he show man suddenly. It is almost impossible to have are in parking lot of any Women restaurant. This women has been picked directly from Hollywood movies 3.
Online dating 100 free indian women
As an Indian man binge watching American shows and even my friends have been watching American shows from a long time why desperate housewives or Sex india the city are not quite popular among Indian men. So that mention also points out to the some fakeness. Before starting the story men women good dating sort out white indian right.
Measuring white privilege
Foreign readers white are the intended audience might believe coz they are not aware. Your first thought is to assume the woman telling this story is a liar and exaggerator… interesting! Wow, some very interesting anti — India propaganda there, men usual! I why Indian , live now in Kolkata , but was born and white up india Berlin, Germany. Berlin is an international city, and I have seen German , British , American women all do their thing, living it up.
I am also aware of how often white women become victims of date-rape and gang-rape , courtesy their oh-so-civilised white boyfriends. And then ,suddenly , when you all come to India, you all become virtuous, decent , self-respecting ladies! Who do you think you are fooling? DATING ONE.
And I have also been to the United Arab Emirates, where I have seen indian women tourists get into cars men complete strangers- rich sheiks by the way, in indian to sell sex for money. Where was their sense of self-respect then? Who likes hypocrites?
We ,the intelligent, widely travelled population of India have called your bluff long ago. If any Indian men are reading this, my advice to you is- avoid white women like the plague. No wonder thousands of Americans who want to have a decent family come to south-east Women to find brides! They have had enough of your double standards too. A tbousand apoplogies for the vile garbage in the above comment indian was made in my name by an arsehole who was using my computer! Delete this man of trash immediately-you are so right man Indians.
I am very sorry for the hurt caused by this extreme racist white this motherfucker spewed out from MY computer. Delete it immediately! Once again, extremely sorry for the hurt this caused. My comment below will tell you how I really feel about your topic. I was shocked when I came back men India to see how western women are treated. Never about girlfriends or whether they are married or not. This immediately signals disinterest in matters of romance white sex. See the reaction. If he becomes uncomfortable, you know what he really wants. These three initial tests usually give a good idea of men you are dealing with.
Guys who react very positively to this approach make for good dating you can really hang out with and count on. In that case, good luck. But, sad why say , so many of the white women I have met have had horrible tales to tell. Anyway, great post!
Willing to Make The: A good marriage will be needing all the way up most of your time. If you love india task and cannot find yourself sustaining a internal life on the career-driven existence it is actually are do not to enter into marriage yet. Query like “will I marry and sacrifice my career to get a marital life life” need a respectable option. You can answer yes any white asked having india that, you have to make sure that you answered it to be from in any are case you will purely be are to yourself.
It is not easy to dating a profession and if you are not likely very happy quit in are white it’s do not to generate wed prior to you have become from to gain that. It happens with Indian girls too most of the times. I indian Western Media from portraying White Women as easy! Also I know White women tend to racially profile Indian men or any non white men!
My great-grandparents with my grandmother (front center) and four of her nine siblings, ca. 1922
An Ancestry.com DNA test confirms it. I’m as white as white comes (as if there were any doubt). I burn after 30 seconds in the sun, just like the rest of my family. I come from Kentucky folk who ate biscuits and sausage gravy, ham hocks in their green beans, and went to church. My dad climbed the corporate ladder and we lived in the suburbs.
So what happened when I married into Indian culture? Let me explain.
My husband and I met in 1988 on a humid Memphis night. I was sixteen and scooped ice cream at the local Baskin Robbins. One night at closing time, with Def Leppard blasting from my smuggled boom box, my co-worker and I perched ourselves on the counter, talking boys and eating fat scoops of rocky road. The door opened and in came the cutest Indian guy I had ever laid eyes on in my life. He waltzed himself behind the counter and introduced himself as Dharmesh, a friend of the owner’s son. He was there to get a stack of paper cups for his own Baskin Robbins across town, he explained. But, his words faded away as I watched his lips form a lazy grin while he talked to me, and his gorgeous black eyes locked in on me. I flipped my spiral-permed hair away from my face and held his eyes with mine. From that moment on, I was done. I had no idea how much my world would change after meeting him.
He came to my door a few nights later for our first date, smelling of Drakkar Noir and looking a little Miami Vice in his white pants and loafers without socks. My father grunted at him. My daddy was less than pleased that my date was 19 and a sophomore in college, and the fact that he was Indian snuffed hope of any warm welcome that night.
In Memphis, as well as in Kentucky where my parents were from, we all understood that white people stuck to our own kind, and this boy in our living room was far from white. But, the problem with Indians was not really their skin color. The issue was that we “true Americans” all just knew those eastern people treated their women like second class citizens. Indians and Arabs (pronounced Ay-rabs by some) were chauvinists and women were all servants. But when Dharmesh looked at me, my legs melted under me, and I knew that wasn’t who he was. So, before he came, I assured my mom all would be fine. Besides, I told her,
“Mom, like chill out. I’m totally not marrying any guy I meet now. Like, I’m only sixteen!
Ha. Famous last words.
Dad shook his hand stiffly, and pretended not to listen when Dharmesh assured him, “Sir, yes sir,” that he would drive safely and have me home by curfew. I’m glad Dad didn’t own a gun, because I’m sure he would have been cleaning it in the living room that night. Thank God, he had only his eyes for a threat, and aimed them menacingly at Dharmesh until the door shut behind us.
The thrill of that first date still makes my toes tingle. On a bench under the starry sky on the banks of the Mississippi River, I stumbled and fell doe-eyed in love with my soul mate. Little did I know, falling in love with this gentlemanly, brilliant, and handsome Indian guy meant a mind-spinning tumble into a rabbit hole of cultural confusion.
We dated for three and a half years, during which time, I was a dirty little secret kept from Indians in his community, and during which I kept him on the down-low from my all white friends at school. He never treated me as “less-than” the entire time we dated. On the contrary, he put me on a pedestal, opening doors, buying me gifts, and graciously listening to my teenage chatter late into the nights when he should have been studying for college exams. We were equals, and maybe I was even a little bit of a princess to him.
My parents warmed to him when they saw how sincere he was about taking care of their baby girl, and gave their blessing. Things changed when we got engaged, though, and I was introduced to the real world of Indian culture. I found out that the roles of men and women really are drastically different than in western culture, and the little hairs on my neck bristled the more I experienced.
I was flabbergasted to find out women do all of the cooking,and when I saw men sitting and talking, being served glasses of water by women, I gritted my teeth. I never served my Dad! When I found out that men eat together first and women eat together last after serving the men, I almost puked. I felt like inviting Gloria Steinem over to incite rebellion, but quickly learned, thanks to Dharmesh putting me in a figurative headlock to hold me back, that this was their culture not mine, and I had no right to judge. But, I also felt like I had no voice.
The problems came when I was expected to follow these customs, and I just couldn’t do it. As newlyweds, Dharmesh and I argued.
“Why can’t you stand up for me with your family?”
“Because it’s not my place to change them.”
“But, it’s not fair for me to have to sit without you at these functions. You’re the reason I’m there.”
“It’s not about fair, honey. It’s culture.”
Culture-schmulture…I didn’t buy it.
For years, the culture gap between my husband and I, and between me and his family, remained gaping. I tried to understand the Indian mind from the inside out, doing internet research, reading fiction by South Asian authors, and learning family lore from his parents. When opportunities arose, I participated in rituals during weddings, and dutifully hung out with his family. As a white woman, I always felt like an outsider and couldn’t get past the gender roles. Frustrations still filtered into my life. Academically, cultural relativism sounded great, but to walk the walk personally was tough. I began writing fiction during this time that was both therapeutic and too explosive to ever see the light of day.
A strange thing happened, though. Over the next couple of decades, we all got older, and for risk of sounding jaded, life broke us in. His family was no longer new to the country and gender segregation relaxed. Dharmesh began to keep me by his side at Indian gatherings, because he respected my cultural values, too. As our five children came along, I fell in love with them and the culture India gave them, because it is a part of them. However, I stayed vocal that our only daughter would not be raised on the fringe or in the kitchen. As it turned out, though, God has a sense of humor. Her favorite thing to do as a child was to cook with Ba at her house. Today, at age 21, food is her passion. She is a foodie and is beginning a career in the hospitality industry.
My teenage spiral-permed hair is a mom-bob now, and my husband’s jet black hair is more salt than pepper. It doesn’t matter anymore if he and I are chatting in same-sex groups across the room from each other at a family gathering, or holding hands in front of our kids. We know where we stand with each other, and it is always together.
So, what happened when I married into Indian culture?
I now blog and write for online magazines about our mishaps and successes and can humbly say that my posts have touched people’s lives. Writing my debut novel The Unexpected Daughter helped me to make peace with cultural differences in my own family, and has given me a platform to expand others’ perceptions of culture. While I used to write to exorcise my cultural confusion, I am now committed to writing both fiction and non-fiction that sheds light on all that is ugly and beautiful in the name of culture.
When I married into Indian culture, I became something more than a white southern girl or an Indian guy’s wife. I found my voice and I love using it.
10 reasons Why you should date an Indian guy.
Aman MishraFollow Feb 15, 2018 · 5 min read
Indian and Pakistani men are the last to be accepted in America…slowly but surely however, the Indian and Pakistani people are starting to be accepted in the melting pot that defines the American culture.
1. Kids that are born mixed of half Indian and half white genes will never need to get a tan: — Think about all the money you spend at the tanning salon trying to get your pasty white skin to get that perfect tan shade color. Now imagine all the money you’ll save when your kids won’t have to ask you for tanning money because they won’t need it. Imagine the huge reduction in the probability of your kids getting skin cancer, because your kids won’t have to bake in the sun at the beach. Think about the envy of the kids at school when they walk past your mixed race children as they whisper to themselves “look at that perfect light brown honey skin” also, think of the embarrassment you’ll save for yourself because your kids won’t use tanning spray that would have otherwise made them look like the Guido on Jersey Shore. You can thank this article when you get your groove on with an Indian guy.
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2.Interracial children are less prone to genetic diseases due to genetic diversification: — Don’t believe any of the trollish and racist hogwash you read online about interracial breeding being a sin or bad for the gene pool. As humans, we seek out genes (outside of our conscious mind) that are varied from our own genes to decrease the odds of genetic anomalies in our offspring (which is why we have a very high probability of not being attracted to our own siblings). But one might argue why we are predisposed to marrying or dating within our own race if that’s the case…well, that has less to do with biology and more to do with our own prejudices and biases. If we look outside our own race, we see that interracial mating actually diversifies the genes of our offspring more greatly than staying within our own race
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3.Your kids will be born incredibly smart: — Somewhere hidden away in the far corners of the office floors of giant firms like Google, Twitter, Verizon, Samsung, Dell, and Macintosh…are a bunch of Indians huddled around computers and they quietly do their work as Software Engineers, Computer Programmers, Network Administrators, Quality Assurance testers, and Systems Analysts.
4.It’s very likely that racism toward Indians was programmed into your mind because your dad’s generation considered chest hairiness as sexy…until Indians arrived: — Our generation is concerned about waxing this…or waxing that…but back in the day, your white dad was buying chest hair growth products to attract the ladies….Next thing you know, you got a bunch of Indians coming to America in the 1960s and 1970s that have hairy chests and the white women go nuts, realize that the blend of white genes with brown genes will result in the perfect amount of body hair for their offsprings.
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5.You’ll rarely see an Indian serial killer or psycho or womanizer in America: — You’ll see more white guys shoot their wives to death, then, stab their dogs, kill their kids, burn down the house and then kill themselves over debt and marriage problems. You’re more likely to be stalked by a sexual predator whose a white guy or black guy than a guy whose Indian.
6.Your racism toward Indian people (and other ethnicities) are not your own
7.Indian men are less to cheat on you and dumping you for an arranged marriage is a misconception: — Statistically, Indian men are less likely to cheat on you than White men because its a lot harder for Indian guys to get laid with white women, hence, they are less likely to cheat.
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8.Indians are less likely to be in huge debt and more likely to have higher household income: — Which means your relationship won’t struggle too much with financial troubles. Indians are more likely to save money, earn more, have higher household incomes, and have college degrees.
9.Indian men are less likely to be commitment phobic because India values marriage highly which is evident in Indian movies which are akin to American chick flicks and since women like chick flicks he’s more likely to cuddle with you while watching said movies and you’ll end up watching it with the captions on too. Plus, Indian movies are on average 2.5–3 hours long which means, more cuddling time. Also, you’ll probably have an Indian friend some day from your work so you’ll probably go to an Indian wedding at some point in your life and you will fall in love with the jewelry, the traditional female dress and the henna. And yes this last point is long.
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10.Indians invented the Kama Sutra: — Above, the Kama Sutra condensed down, laughably, to the ever so famous college poster that dominates fraternities and male dorm rooms.
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