Too tired for sex

Table of Contents

How To Have Sex: 12 Things you should never do while having sex

When you’re in bed with your lover, the last thing you want to do is turn them off. Not everyone is clear on his mind on how to have sex which feels great. That said, here are a few common blunders that you should not commit.
1. Not kissing
Believe it or not, many people (and this includes women) don’t kiss their partner when they’re having sex. Why? Perhaps because the positioning doesn’t allow for it or they are too eager to climax and feel that it might break the rhythm. Nevertheless, it is highly recommended that you make an effort to kiss your partner during the act – it will only add to the experience.
2. Biting before your partner’s ready While many people enjoy an aggressive partner, biting any part of their body before they are aroused may lead to pain and discomfort (and might even lessen the chances of any further action ) or simply scare them off. So make sure your partner is fully excited before you bite their ear, shoulders, neck or any other part of their body.
3. Ignoring everything but sexualised parts
Genitals are great, no doubt, but you should definitely pay attention to other parts of your lover’s body and focus for some time on their entire body – knees, wrists, back and stomach are highly erogenous zones for men as well as women. Gently caressing these areas will help excite your partner further; in turn, increasing the chances of them pleasuring you back.
4. Putting your weight on your partner
Even if you’re a girl! It’s okay to lose yourself in the moment every once in a while and go crazy on your lover. But when you’re lying on top of them, you have to be careful not to drop your weight on them. Chocking them or hindering their ability to breathe will anyway kill the moment and any chances of some good action.
5. Climaxing too soon/ too late
This one is especially for men. You need to have good control on your muscles to ensure that you can ejaculate at an appropriate time. Too soon and you may leave your partner unsatisfied; too late and it might leave your partner feeling as if they’re pumping iron at the gym. To avoid this, spend a lot more time on foreplay (this will help men as well as women). If you take too long and can only ejaculate via manual stimulation, do your best to get your partner to orgasm and then they can return you the favour.
6. Not warning your partner before you climax
If you’re going to let go – and this applies even to women – whether during oral sex or intercourse, you need to tell your partner beforehand. Something as simple as “I’m going to let go,” will suffice. Your partner deserves to know.
7. Treating sex like porn
Although some couples enjoy having raunchy sex, you’d be wise to talk to your partner before you engage in such behaviour. If you begin being nasty with your lover without knowing if they like it first, chances are the scenario won’t end on a happy note.
8. Staying quiet
Do you like to hear it when your partner is having a good time? So pay them the same respect and speak up when you’re enjoying yourself. Something as simple as a little moan, or even saying something like, “that feels so good,” will encourage them and educate them further on your moan zones.
9. Mechanical act
It may feel comfortable to you to pump away like you do at the gym, but you’ll quickly discover that most people don’t enjoy such an act. Mix it up a little bit; go fast at times, then slowly. Be creative and you’ll find yourself enjoying some variation too.
10. Pretending to have an orgasm
A lot of women are guilty of this. We have enough movies and examples that highlight how ladies fake orgasms. It’s true that the orgasm of a woman is still a big mystery for many but that does not mean it should be a fake one. The main reason being, the partner would, some day or the other, get to know this and he would definitely not like it.
11. Jokes about private parts
Not everyone is well endowed when it comes to private parts. Laughing or cracking a joke about a partner’s private part may make him or her feel uncomfortable and it will only ruin the mood. Refrain from giving negative comments on private parts while having sex.
12. Comparing a lover with an ex
There can be no bigger turn off than comparing a partner with an ex-lover during sex. No matter how wonderful sex life you might have had with an ex-partner, mentioning it while having sex is not going to help anyone.

Hey, it’s okay to ask. We should all be doing whatever it takes to get more pleasure for ourselves and our partner (or partners) during sex. No one has the time these days to waste, so we’ll make it easy for you. Want to know how to last longer in bed? We’ve got easy advice on how to tack on minutes. Looking to add some new moves to your routine? Try reverse cowgirl, rimming, or even tantric sex on for size. In this collection of the best sex positions and advice, you’ll find tips and tricks, ideas, and expert intel on pulling off better sex moves. Take notes and study hard; your new and improved sex life begins now.

Courtesy

1. Reverse Cowgirl Position

It’s very stimulating for her. Here’s how to do it.

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2. Rimming

There’s quite a concentration of nerves back there, so give anilingus a shot.

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3. Sexting

How to correctly use the horniest emoji: flag up mailbox.

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4. Dick Pics

There are two types of dick pics every guy should be able to take.

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5. Open Relationships

A beginner’s guide to being non-monogamous without being a jerk.

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6. Sex Apps

Everything to know about sex and dating apps before jumping in bed with a stranger.

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7. Kissing

There are four ways to do it well. Because you can’t skip this step.

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8. DIY Sex Toys

Your house is full of things just waiting to become sex toys.

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9. Sex Games

These are a whole lot sexier than “Truth or Dare.”

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10. Condom Sizes

A brief guide to choosing the right one. Grab a toilet paper roll.

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11. Dirty Talk

It’s not just what you say, it’s how (and when) you say it.

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12. Lasting Longer

A four-step guide to maintaining control during sex.

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13. Breathing for Better Sex

Get over nerves and fear so you can both enjoy the experience even more.

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14. A Workout Plan for Better Sex

If you feel strong and flexible, it will show in the bedroom.

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15. Sex Toys for Men

Enhance your pleasure with these devices, for yourself, or for you and your partner.

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16. What Women Want

Remember these eleven things that she expects from you.

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17. Average Sex Time

It’s not as long as you’d think, according to science.

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18. Tantric Sex

You could have four or five orgasms. She could have twelve.

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19. Tea Bagging

Tea bagging is a sexual kink, and a darn good one at that.

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20. Shower Sex

How to have it without slipping and fumbling all over the place.

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21. Oral Sex

Tips for giving and receiving it correctly.

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22. Foreplay

Keep things interesting by spicing up your pre-sex practices.

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23. G-Spot Stimulation

How to find her G-spot, and her cul-de-sac.

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24. Couples Porn

You and your partner should be watching porn together. It doesn’t have to be weird.

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25. Best and Worst Kinds of Sex

From breakup sex to mile high sex, here’s the rundown on all the ways to do it.

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26. Healthy Sex

In case you needed more convincing, there are nine reasons having sex is good for you.

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Related Stories

On-screen sex ed is booming, with pop culture stepping in to teach the birds, the bees and, well, blue waffle. Besides Netflix’s Big Mouth, a cartoon series about how puberty upends the lives of a bunch of 13-year-olds, the biggest hit is the appropriately named Sex Education, the warm, ribald and hugely entertaining drama about a teenage boy giving sex therapy to his classmates which tackles the (t)horny issues schools are failing to teach. Given that a 2017 report by the Terrence Higgins Trust found half of young people rated their schools’ relationships and sex education (RSE) as either poor or terrible, the popularity of these shows is hardly surprising. But what do teens really think of them? Is TV providing better advice than most schools?

Pia, 16, from Kent, says they “answered some of my weird questions about sex”. She loves that they “discuss actual sex itself – something many worry about but are too embarrassed to ask about.” Unlike traditional RSE, which is usually taught by a teacher who emanates “Please Don’t Make Me Say The Word Vagina” energy, most of the teaching on screen happens between peers. This opens up the conversation, so advice can be delivered in a frank way rather than seeming clinical and removed. In Sex Education, hesitant student Anwar seeks advice on anal douching from fellow pupil Rahim, explaining that he can’t ask his boyfriend as “it’s embarrassing”. “If you’re not ready to talk about douching with your boyfriend, you’re definitely not ready to have his cock in your arse,” shoots back Rahim, in a conversation in which no detail is too gross or shameful.

Dot, 17 from Leeds, highlights the tendency to segregate pupils by gender for RSE, noting that “even at the age of 11, I was confused why boys didn’t need to know about cervixes and fallopian tubes: how do you expect them to be understanding when they don’t even know what the word ‘menstruation’ means?” In both Big Mouth and Sex Education, equal attention is given to characters who are diverse in race, sexuality, gender and background, creating a dynamic where no one form of puberty is treated as default. Eva, 17 from Birmingham, feels that “the complete variety of characters implies that everyone tackles personal issues differently.” Indeed, much of the humour comes from moments of discovery about fellow pupils: in Big Mouth, the revelation that “girls get horny, too” makes the boys’ heads explode.

‘Girls get horny too!’ … Big Mouth. Photograph: Netflix

Occasionally, this television is straightforwardly educational. Sex Education includes everything from chlamydia myth-busting (“You cannot catch an STI from a pitch whistle!”) to lectures on lube (“You should always use a water-based lubricant”). But the majority of lessons come courtesy of empathetic and nuanced explorations of the characters’ lives. Although virtually no sexual stone is left unturned (asexuality, pansexuality, bisexuality, sexual assault, internalised homophobia and emergency contraception are just some of the subjects explored in Sex Education’s second series) topics never feel clumsily signposted, and instead unfold in complex, non-judgmental ways.
The programmes also cover taboos. Series one of Sex Education was celebrated for including a realistic portrayal of abortion, depicting the procedure step-by-step, from the waiting room to the recovery room, in a tone that was neither sensational nor melodramatic. Ciara, 18 from Manchester, says this was the storyline she “found most moving”, especially when RSE lessons on abortion tend to “play on tropes of regret”. Crucially, the shows give storylines a sense of proportion. Whereas Isaac, 17 from Kent, feels that pupils “are only ever told of the horror stories in RSE”, Sex Education quietly reaffirms the notion that anything, no matter how embarrassing or complicated, can be resolved, usually by talking to someone.

No issue too embarrassing … Sex Education. Photograph: Sam Taylor/Netflix

Sexpression, a charity that works to empower young people by teaching informal and comprehensive RSE lessons in secondary schools, believes the popularity of sex education on TV demonstrates that teenagers “are in need of a source to dispel myths around sex, reinforce truths, and allow for the empowerment of their bodily autonomy and decision-making”. It adds that TV shows: “may present some clarity to in a world where there is a plethora of accessible information which can be true, false, misleading, or accurate.”

A key plot-point in Sex Education’s second series is the school’s decision to rewrite its sex education curriculum, prompting a debate between staff and pupils about how teenagers are meant to responsibly seek sexual advice when the school fails to provide it. While ostensibly the question relates to the ethics of a teenager running a sex clinic, it also suggests the show’s awareness about the relationship between entertainment and RSE. Netflix’s freedom as an entertainment company may allow them to circumnavigate real-world debate, but this shouldn’t let schools off the hook. These shows should illuminate the shortcomings of the current curriculum – not be a wholesale replacement of it.

With Scotland voting to embed LGBTI rights into the school curriculum, and RSE becoming mandatory in all English secondary schools as of September 2020, including teaching on sexual orientation and gender identity, hopefully RSE is set to improve. Ciara believes pop culture “should never be an alternative to well-taught and serious conversations that are seriously lacking in our education system”. Pia hopes RSE will be overhauled so students “don’t have to watch shows like this in order to teach themselves what schools have failed to teach them”. Instead of replacing RSE, Dot believes TV can help viewers “to be more open and accepting of the embarrassing and unspoken aspects of sex” – whether that’s anal douching or worrying you caught an STI from a whistle.

This Is Why You Stay Awake All Night When You Know You Need To Sleep

For a long time, we’ve known about the insomniacs: The people who go bed and then toss and turn all night, unable to fall asleep. But there’s another group of sleepless sufferers: Those who can’t bring themselves to go to bed in the first place.

If you’re exhausted and you know you need to sleep, but can’t bring yourself to close your laptop, get up off your couch, or stop organizing your kitchen cupboards, you may be a bedtime procrastinator.

“Bedtime procrastination is defined as failing to go to bed at the intended time, while no external circumstances prevent a person from doing so,” a team of researchers from Utrecht University write in a recent issue of the journal Frontiers in Psychology. The study was recently highlighted in an article by Betsy Morais in the New Yorker online.

“It’s a longstanding puzzle in philosophy, since Aristotle: why it is that people fail to do what they know is good for them to do,” Joel Anderson, a researcher in Practical Philosophy who coined the term “bedtime procrastination,” told Morais. He says people want to go to bed on time, and yet many don’t.

The Experiment

The Utrecht researchers wanted to explore how procrastination behavior might affect health, and whether procrastinators were also less likely to do things like exercise and eat vegetables (as previous research has shown) because both behaviors are associated with poor self-control.

The research team, led by Floor Kroese, surveyed 177 people on Amazon’s Mechanical Turk to assess what bedtime procrastination is and who is likely to do it. They asked participants to rate, on a scale of 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always) how much the following statements applied to them (“R” items are those that are not typical of bedtime procrastinators):

1. I go to bed later than I had intended.
2. I go to bed early if I have to get up early in the morning. (R)
3. If it is time to turn off the lights at night I do it immediately. (R)
4. Often I am still doing other things when it is time to go to bed.
5. I easily get distracted by things when I actually would like to go to bed.
6. I do not go to bed on time.
7. I have a regular bedtime which I keep to. (R)
8. I want to go to bed on time but I just don’t.
9. I can easily stop with my activities when it is time to go to bed.

Researchers collected information on participants’ demographics, general habits (“I generally delay before starting on work I have to do”), sleep schedule, and (self-reported) fatigue. Participants were also rated for self-control, conscientiousness, impulsivity, and action control.

They found that bedtime procrastination was a very real problem, and one that was associated with regular old procrastination as well trouble with self-regulation, defined by the psychologist Steve Stosny as “the ability to act in your long-term best interest, consistent with your deepest values.”

The Takeaway

Bedtime procrastination is unique, the researchers write, because while people often procrastinate to put off undesirable tasks, sleep is not generally considered undesirable.

“We speculate that it is not so much a matter of not wanting to sleep, but rather of not wanting to quit other activities,” they write. In other words, for some, Twitter can seem far more alluring than sleep — even if the reverse is true in the morning.

The results are not surprising anecdotally, but the researchers write that it’s the first study “to present bedtime procrastination as a possible cause for insufficient sleep.”

Because willpower is especially low when people are already sleepy, the study highlights the need for new solutions. Unfortunately, it does not provide any suggestions.

In fact, the researchers conclude, “strategies that do not require effort are expected to be most successful in reducing bedtime procrastination.”

Fortunately, such no-effort interventions actually exist. Sometimes, all you really need is a kick in the pants like a loud noise, your computer dying, or something to jolt you into action.

“This might be a timer that switches off your television, or an alarm on your phone,” suggests Morais, in the New Yorker. “Anything to switch off the illicit zombie impulse that makes you keep scrolling through Twitter under the bedcovers.”

You came here looking for an answer, and an answer I will give you: Sex should last one hour, 34 minutes, and 22 seconds—the exact runtime of Wayne’s World.

Shyeah, right! While I have a lot of respect (and follow-up questions) for anyone who’s regularly managing to bone for the duration of a feature film, of course I’m joking. There isn’t a specific length of time that sex should last, but people tend to conflate longer sex with better sex. Marathon sex sessions are used as a measurement of just how steamy an evening was. And while quickies can be fun, they should constitute a piece of a balanced sex life—not the whole thing. They’re like the candy and ice cream part of the food pyramid—very tasty, just not intended for everyday sustenance.

While there’s no magic number, one study back in 2005 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine asked a bunch of sex therapists for their opinions on how long sex should last. Their guidelines separated sex into four categories: adequate, too short, too long, and desirable. They rated penetrative vaginal sex that lasted from 1-2 minutes as “too short,” and sex that lasted 10-30 minutes as “too long.” Meanwhile, “adequate” sex lasted 3-7 minutes and desirable sex lasted 7-13 minutes.

It’s difficult to get good data on the amount of time the average person spends getting freaky—are you keeping track of how long you’re humping and pumping?—especially because sex can be defined in a myriad of ways. For example, some people (and most studies) are only counting penetrative sex, which isn’t a particularly effective way to measure sex, since it’s both extremely heteronormative and not the way most people with vaginas are orgasming.

So I asked a handful of women and nonbinary people how long they’d ideally like sex to last, and with a few exceptions, the answers settled around five to ten minutes of intercourse, and longer for foreplay.

One woman said her ideal was 10-15 minutes of foreplay and 10 minutes of intercourse: “I find I get rather impatient in bed, or perhaps I just haven’t met someone worth taking more time.” Another said, “I feel like this sounds short, but honestly 5-10 mins plus like 15-ish minutes of foreplay.” Another woman said, “I generally like sex to last 15-20 minutes, with intercourse being like maybe a quarter of that.” Two women and one nonbinary woman answered that their ideal sex session including foreplay would last an hour or so—which seems like an endeavor! Good for them!

It turns out people consistently say that they want sex to last longer than it does. Almost everyone I informally interviewed felt that their answers were shorter than average, when in reality almost all of them were either in line with or above the average duration of sex, which is around 5.4 minutes.

So while we’re all self-conscious that we’re shortchanging our down-and-dirty time, sex really doesn’t take that long—even for people who are completely happy with their sex lives. I don’t mean to suggest that shorter sex is better, by any means. But according to a Twitter poll asking, “Do you ever get bored during penetrative sex or want it to just be over already?” Eighty-two percent of the 819 participants said yes. The reason I knew to ask that (possibly leading) question is that I, too, have been bored during penetrative sex, just up there thinking about the fact that I need to check on the status of my car registration or how Joan Cusack hasn’t had a single leading film role (which is a damn shame).

According to another Twitter poll I conducted of 2,380 people who are on the receiving end of penetrative sex, most (61 percent) wanted the actual penetration to last about 5-10 minutes (without counting foreplay). Twenty-six percent said they wanted it to last longer than 11 minutes. For the most part, those who are penetrated don’t think that longer penetration is better, so you can stop thinking about your grandma playing baseball, or whatever it is you’ve been doing to try to avoid coming too soon.

So according to the data, rather than attempting a marathon jackhammer sesh, you should switch things up! In that study, the more sex acts that a couple did, the more likely both of them were to orgasm, and the benefit of multiple sexual acts was even more significant for women than for men. The lesson here is you don’t need to be having sex longer; you need to be having sex better.

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IT’S official – if you want a serious relationship, you need to have sex quickly.

A new study has revealed that more than a third of men found love after sleeping with their partner on the first date.

1 It’s OK to have sex on the first date – in fact it’s recommended, according to one studyCredit: Alamy

According to the study, lots of couples end up in bed the first night they meet – 58 per cent of men have done it and 56 per cent of women.

And it has led to a proper relationship for 36 per cent of women and 34 per cent of men.

It does, however, find that women are slightly more wary than men of partners who want to jump into bed straight away.

WOMEN MORE CAUTIOUS THAN MEN

One in six women (17 per cent) said they would think less of someone if they had sex on the first night, compared to 11 per cent of men.

The results are revealed in a new study of 2,000 people by IllicitEncounters.com, the UK’s leading dating site for married people.

It found that 64 per cent of women and 62 per cent of men had wanted to have sex with someone on the first date but had held back because it was too soon.

Far more women (40 per cent) have regretted jumping straight into bed than men (27 per cent).

MEN DON’T REGRET JUMPING INTO BED

Most women (82 per cent) and 73 per cent of men admitted to first night nerves when they have sex with a new partner.

The biggest insecurity for women was worrying about their appearance (84 per cent), followed by their sexual performance (69 per cent) and how they will compare with their partner’s previous lovers (61 per cent).

Men’s biggest insecurity was their sexual performance (82 per cent), followed by how they compare with their partner’s previous lovers (57 per cent) and their appearance (54 per cent).

Women’s ideal venue for a first date is drinks in a bar (32 per cent) followed by a romantic meal (27 per cent). Men prefer it the other way round – 41 per cent (a romantic meal) and 27 per cent (drinks).

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IllicitEncounters.com spokeswoman Jessica Leoni said: “The clear message is that if you want to have sex on a first date, do it.

“We have all grown up about sex and only prudes are going to think any less of you if you jump into bed on the first night.

“Online dating has speeded up the way we date and this has resulted in couples initiating sex on first dates far more quickly.

“We are leaving behind those old-fashioned attitudes where people are judged on their sexual behaviour.”

IllicitEncounters has seen a 25 per cent rise in registrations in the first four months of 2019.

Easter sees a surge in activity because the longer nights make people more adventurous in their behaviour and more likely to seek out a new partner.

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How Reading In Bed Together Can Be Hotter Than Having Sex

Compare that with this scenario: you’re lying comfortably next to each other in bed, each of you absorbed in different imaginary worlds as you slowly turn pages, maybe stretching out to touch toes or lean against each other as you read. Neither of you feels the need to say anything; there’s no pressure to perform for each other, or be anyone other than exactly who you are.

You Might Also Like: Sex And Intimacy Are Not The Same Thing

This scene will never turn up on PornHub, but in many ways, it’s hotter than anything you could possibly do an online search for. It’s like Maynard says: “Creating intimacy with your partner doesn’t only happen between the sheets. Intimacy happens in the day-to-day. In the minutiae of how you relate to one another. Every moment is an opportunity to strengthen the bond between you, and bask in the glow of your relationship.”

Does more sex equal more happiness?

Perhaps not surprisingly, given the above, more than one study has found that having more sex doesn’t necessarily lead to a happier relationship. The first interesting thing to note is exactly how much sex people are having: a 2017 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior put the average at 54 times a year, or a little more than once a week. A similar study done in the 1990s showed that people were having more sex, by about nine more times a year, so the average seems to be dropping. However, there’s no evidence to suggest that people are less happier in their relationships, and the divorce rate has actually been slowly declining over the past few decades.

This once-a-week average lines up nicely with another study, this one published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, which followed more than 30,000 Americans over the course of 40 years. In this study, researchers found that the gold-standard for marital happiness was once-a-week sex, and that having sex more than that didn’t make couples happier. (Having sex less than once a week, however, did directly impact couples’ happiness — so if you’re in a sex-starved marriage, you might not want to rely on reading in bed together for all your intimacy needs).

And when scientists at Carnegie Mellon University did a study with 64 couples ages 35 to 65, asking half of them to have sex twice as often as they normally would, they found that the couples who were instructed to have more sex actually ended up being less happy than they were at the start. Apparently, when people are told to have more sex, it takes some of the fun out of it.

Nurturing true intimacy

“The keys to deepening intimacy are honesty, vulnerability, and presence,” says Maynard. He also points out that this isn’t always easy. Being vulnerable with others is hard — maybe even harder when it’s with someone we don’t want to lose. But, Maynard explains, “we can’t truly connect with our partners if we don’t show them who we really are and invite them to experience us there. The same is true if our partners don’t feel comfortable opening up to us.”

Talking to Maynard, I realized that the reason I’ve had so much sex and so little intimacy is probably due to my history as a sexual abuse survivor, Like many survivors, I’ve become good at zoning out during sex — a survival mechanism known as dissociating. Sometimes it happens even when I don’t want it to; my brain just checks out while my body goes through the motions. This feels like the opposite of intimacy. But in order to be truly intimate with my partner, I have to let my guard down. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable.

The pleasures of long-term love

“Intimacy really speaks to the connection you feel with your partner,” explains Maynard. “What you’re doing together isn’t as important as how and why you’re doing it. Are you fully present with one another, and do you both genuinely crave the experience of one another up close?” If not, it might be time to think very hard about why you’re in the relationship. Because in a great relationship, reading in bed together can actually be the sexiest thing the two of you do.

The true pleasures of long-term love — being able to postmortem the party on your way home together, smile knowingly at each other over an inside joke, assemble a flat-pack bookcase together without killing each other, and sit in silence together as you read — are won only after you’ve shared your true selves with each other. Relationships are hard work — conflict and pain are inevitable — so enjoying every peaceful moment to the fullest, and really valuing it for the victory it is, is important. Being able to read in bed together, while it might not be one of the major milestones you think of, like moving in, marriage, or having children, truly is a significant event in a relationship.

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What Being Too Tired For Sex Really Means For You & Your Partner, According To Experts

As great as sex is (and let’s just get that out of the way, first and foremost: Sex is great), there can be times when you’re just not feeling it. Do you know what I’m talking about? Sometimes, no matter how much you want to have sex, you’re just too tired, or bloated, or sick to get it on. If this happens from time to time, there’s no need to fret. We’re all just human after all. But if you’re constantly finding yourself turning down sex, then you might want to know what being too tired for sex really means — especially what it means for you and your partner. Now, to clarify, it’s completely OK if you’re just plain exhausted and not in the mood for sex sometimes. But there might be a deeper issue if it happens repeatedly, and it should probably be addressed.

“It’s not so much that being too tired itself is a problem,” sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily, “it is what is going on underneath that will tell a couple if they have an issue brewing.” For example, Fehr says that being “too tired for sex can also be a way to avoid intimacy.” The thing is, being too tired for sex in and of itself is totally fine — even Fehr says so. It’s when you start using being too tired as an excuse that it becomes an issue.

Firstly, being too tired to have sex can mean you are just plain tired. Dr. Jennifer B. Rhodes, licensed psychologist and forthcoming author of Toxic Insecurity: Our Search For Authentic Love tells Elite Daily, “There are a lot of factors that can contribute, but if your body is tired and you haven’t been listening, you need to start listening.”

However, if this isn’t the case, it’s time to ask yourself some questions. Sex expert Lola Jean tells Elite Daily that you have to ask, “Is being tired becoming a pattern? It is an excuse?” She explains, “You can’t blame lack of energy for sex on a failing relationship, there are likely other conflicts and items at bay. Like any conflict, approach the situation honestly and without judgement or defense if it’s a matter you want to talk through and understand.” It’s important to remember that sex is intimate, and talking about it is crucial in any relationship, even though it can be scary sometimes.

Rhodes suggests there may be underlying issues in your relationship, and you shouldn’t avoid opening up about it. She explains, “If your body is not tired then you may be avoiding intimacy or something is going on with your hormones. If this is an ongoing issue, you need to talk to your partner about it.”

If your partner is the one who is always too tired, evaluate what they might mean when they’re using it as an excuse not to have sex. “It could mean that they don’t enjoy the sex they’re having but can’t or won’t verbalize it to their partner,” Fehr says. “It could be that sex hurts but they are ashamed to say it. It could be that the couple has some un-repaired or unresolved hurts, and it’s a way to avoid facing intimacy while you feel distant from your partner.” Basically, if it’s just an excuse, then they could be hiding any number of feelings. Sadly, lying about being too tired “can be a way to punish your partner by withholding sex,” adds Fehr.

“As much as sex is a relaxing and energizing activity, it also requires energy, attention and presence,” explains Fehr. So, if true exhaustion is the only issue with you and your partner, then don’t stress about it. “People who work long hours, have intense jobs that either require a lot of physical energy or attention or interacting with people and/or children, struggle with illness, or have internal stress that’s taking up their energy (e.g., financial or relationship stress) may not have the energy they need to have sex,” says Fehr.

Other stressors in life can also add to the feeling of being tired. “Everything that is associated with stress can wreck your sex life,” Rhodes explains. Some common issues she points to are: “working too hard, not having fulfilling friendships, a family crisis, or feeling financially stressed.”

Before you worry that there’s something wrong with your sex life, evaluate the nature of your lives. If one or both of you is super stressed or overworked, then that’s probably all it is. It’s hard, but it is in no way an indicator of how much your partner loves or cares about you.

On the other hand, if you know that “I’m tired” is just an excuse, then it’s time to talk it out. “Have a conversation with your partner from a calm, compassionate, and curious place — not blaming or accusatory,” Fehr advises. “Be curious about them: ask them about their experience, what’s it like for them, what they might want or need from you to have sex. Try to understand them. Then, tell them how you feel being in your position, what it feels like to be rejected, and what you want and need. Be understanding and also stand in your own truth.”

If you don’t communicate about the lack of sex or the constant “I’m tired” excuse, then things could come to a head. “If a couple notices a pattern, and it is left unaddressed, then this can mean that the couple is growing apart,” Fehr advises. “When couples avoid speaking about what’s going on for them and asking for support or what they need — enabling change or shift toward resolution — it’s likely that there is an unresolved hurt or pain underneath. The more a couple leaves the issue unaddressed, the further apart they grow.”

“It is rarely the reason why sex wanes is because the partners are not interested in each other,” Fehr explains. “Sex is a reflection of a couple’s connection and intimacy, therefore when it wanes, it is usually because of a break in connection or trust.”

Whatever you do, Rhodes urges couples not to ignore the issue, saying: “Talk to your partner and come up with an action plan. This is a big issue that should not linger.” If you can’t find the answer on your own, she suggests you should “seek professional help if you can’t figure out what is going on.”

In reality all I wanted after the children were asleep was to sit motionless on the couch and do something that required zero brain activity and even less physical stamina. Facebook, Candy Crush. Whatever. You get the point. I would look across the room at my husband performing his own unwinding after a twelve hour work day, and I’d watch the back of his head longingly as he played a computer game. All my heart wanted to do at those moments was take him in my arms, cover his broad shoulders with sweet kisses, and sink into the warmth and comfort of intimacy with him. But my physical body was a different story. Even my mental one sighed at the thought of any expenditure beyond growing moss as I lounged on the sofa cushion.

I was too tired to have sex with my husband.

After seven years of marriage I had discovered the comfort of relaxing in a solid, stable relationship with my spouse. It was kinda like that old flannel shirt in my closet that I couldn’t part with. It fit just right, it took little effort, and it went with every pair of pants I had. It was wonderful that I could sit stationary on the couch playing with my phone and my relationship didn’t suffer because of it. It was awesome that my husband knew I loved him, and I knew in turn that he loved me. Many, many nights we sat together and shared our hearts, our hopes and dreams, and our biggest fears. But conversely some nights we existed for hours in a comfortable silence as we relaxed after our collective, long day. I could tell my husband anything, and he offered me wonderful counsel when I needed it most, but we didn’t have to stroke the others ego or perform a certain way. It wasn’t dating, we weren’t trying each other out or seeking to impress, and for that I was grateful. It was fine that I was tired, and I knew he was too. But still…

Still I knew the importance of balance. I knew that although he didn’t expect sexy lingerie and unsolicited propositions in the midnight hours, that when I did it really cranked his engine. Tired eyes took on a sparkle, and something happened within me too. An exhausted woman suddenly felt energetic, sexy, and most importantly desired. I didn’t just have sex with my husband to keep him happy. Turns out I did it for me too.
Sex isn’t everything, and it certainly isn’t the center of our marriage, but it is a very special part. God made sexual intimacy for a husband and wife, and for us it was a time to share with one another. It was a time to shed the worries of the day, clear our minds of work and childcare responsibilities, and focus solely on pleasing the person we had vowed to cherish and love. But it was also an exercise in making time with the most important person in our little world.

Many days started for me with kissing my husband goodbye as he left for work, and as I would gaze into his deep brown eyes I would feel a deep sense of attraction. I still found my husband sexy, desirable, and in those hurried, morning moments I just wanted a block of alone time with him. But off he would head to work. For me a long day of serving my children would begin. Meals, snacks, homeschool, housework, errands, kissed booboos, baths, and bedtime stories. After all of that I was like a shell of the woman who had stared seductively at her man, and though my heart wanted sex, my body just didn’t. It didn’t. I had to make the decision to pursue him beyond my tired body, and it seemed like that was when the magic happened.

The fact is I can’t change the phase of life I find myself in right now. A teething baby, a whiny three year old, and a never ending pile of to-do’s. Most days I feel as if I’m drowning, like I’m barely getting by in life, but I also know it won’t always be this way. One day I’ll look up and my nest will be empty, my time will be more manageable, and my husband will still be there. In that time I know I’ll appreciate the fact that I chose to invest my energies wisely with my partner in all the chaos of life. I’ll be glad that despite the fact I was too tired for sex, I made the decision to enjoy that part of our relationship anyway. Intimacy between marital partners is a blessing, and it seems to rejuvenate and feed a portion of our relationship that longs for physical contact of one another. Days with young children are long, but life together as a married couple is even longer. I find that placing much-needed attention on our marital bed is just as important as saying thank you when he takes out the trash, or making his favorite meal for dinner. I speak my love to my husband in many ways. Sometimes it’s a note left on the counter, or perhaps it’s picking up his favorite sweet treat from the bakery. Other times it’s making the decision to not be too tired for intimate time together at the end of a very long day.

About the Author: Brie Gowen is a 30-something (sliding ever closer to 40-something) wife and mother. When she’s not loving on her hubby, chasing after the toddler or playing princess with her four-year-old, she enjoys cooking, reading and writing down her thoughts to share with others. Brie is also a huge lover of Jesus. She finds immense joy in the peace a relationship with her Savior provides, and she might just tell you about it sometime. She’d love for you to check out her blog at BrieGowen.com.

DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my wife has gone downhill and I don’t know what to do to sort it.

Our family life is busy. I am 31 and my wife is 32. We have daughters aged five and seven.

1 My wife never wants to have sex with me and always says she’s too tiredCredit: Getty – Contributor

My wife works full-time and I work shifts to fit round the girls.

Everything else in our life is rosy. I know things can be hectic but my wife is never in the mood for sex.

I am trying to get our sex life back on track but if ever I ask, she says she is tired.

When we do have sex, I am always the one who suggests it. There is never any foreplay and it is always me on top.

Love Island girls dress up as a sexy señorita, a saucy devil, and a Victoria’s Secret model for raunchy dance-off

She knows I masturbate and it is not an issue.

I am guessing she does too but I have never seen her do it – though I’d like to.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Sex drive can dwindle when life is hectic but it is unlikely to recover on its own.

Tell your wife that you want to show your love sexually as well as practically.

My e-leaflet Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive explains effective tactics.

Don’t put pressure on her about masturbation. Some women do masturbate but far from all.

Even if she does, for her it may be about private and unpressured relief rather than seeing it as a possible turn-on for your benefit.

READ TODAY’S DEAR DEIDRE My partner never wants to have sex with me but he’s always watching porn

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How to Have Great Sex When You’re Really Tired

If we were to guess, you’re tired. Chances are, you’re probably scrolling through this story while taking a breather in the bathroom or enjoying your 15 minutes of free time on the couch while the kids nap. So, you undoubtedly understand that parenting is exhausting. As such, sleep sits above sex on your bedroom to-do list because, well, you need those zzz’s to function. It’s understandable. Long days at the office and screaming children aren’t exactly sex-enhancers. But, of course, it’s incredibly important for the health of a marriage to carve our some time for sex in your relationship. No, you don’t have to pretend to not be tired; you and your partner just have to make a few changes to make it through this low-energy time. Here, then, are five tips for having great sex when you’re tired.

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Step Up Your Foreplay Game

If you don’t already have sex on the mind by the time you get to bed, there are a few things you can do to change that, and most of them revolve around touch. In her book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., discusses the importance of responsive desire, or “desire for sex that emerges in response to sexy things that are already happening.” In other words, start priming the body for some sexy fun. The mind will follow.

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Focus on Other Forms of Sex

Penetrative sex is a pretty reliable way to secure an orgasm… for guys. But slamming your body against someone else’s’ requires a lot of work. If you’re looking for an easier outlet, then think about entertaining other forms of sex. Oral doesn’t require much movement. Besides, research shows that women climax way more often during oral sex than with traditional intercourse. If you’re not good with the tongue, then think about using your hands. Options are out there.

Take It Slow

“Hard and fast” probably isn’t the best approach for someone in need of a good night’s sleep. If you’re already tired, think about slowing things down. You don’t want to use up what little energy you have in the first few strokes. Besides, slow sex provides more opportunity to enjoy the experience. It will help prime your body to last longer in bed and lead to more intense orgasms once you do finally reach climax.

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Position Yourself Appropriately

Acrobatic sex is for people with energy. If you’re tired, but still in the mood to get laid, then finding the right position is key. Sex while spooning is one of many options that allow you to get down without getting up. If you’re craving something more involved, but don’t have the energy to do it yourself, put your pillows to work. Cradle yourself with your comforter. Get creative.

Don’t Make Orgasms a Priority

Too often, sex is framed as a race to the finish, with orgasm being the end goal. Taking ejaculation off the menu allows you to relax. You won’t tire yourself out physically trying to achieve orgasm, and you won’t work yourself up mentally in attempts to get there, either. The world puts enough pressure on us. If you’re already tired, maybe you don’t need to add anything more to the plate.

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When You’re Too Tired For Sex With Your Spouse

Sex can be complicated to discuss because it’s personal and intimate. But I want to talk about a specific sexual struggle: the exhausted married woman who doesn’t feel like having sex with her husband, but should do it anyway. She doesn’t have complicating factors like marital abuse happening in her life. She doesn’t have sexual traumas making sex difficult for her. She’s just tired.

I have been this woman, and so have many of the women I know. We looked forward to getting married and beginning a sexual relationship with our husbands. We were in love and excited. We anticipated having guilt free sex whenever we wanted. It didn’t occur to us that the sexual aspect of our relationship would ever be a source of conflict or struggle in marriage . . . let alone that it would sometimes feel more like work than play.

Sex is often the first thing put on the back burner in the busyness of life. By the time we are ready for bed, we are too tired to think about sex, much less have it. Add kids to that scenario and the situation gets even more dire. Mothers have held their little ones, been tugged at, and grabbed all day long and now we just want to be left alone and go to sleep. We don’t feel animosity towards our husbands; we are just exhausted and tapped out.

I get it. My life is full and busy. I have three kids that need my time and attention every single day. I have responsibilities at church and at home, with family and friends that can sometimes be overwhelming.

Maybe you’re a wife who would truly affirm a strong commitment and love for your spouse, but at the same time you might admit that you are stuck in an unfulfilling sex life with no end in sight. Something has to break this cycle, but sometimes it is difficult to know where to start. Here are a few suggestions:

Seek the Lord

God says we should be having sex with our husbands.

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement, for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-5

We are supposed to freely give of ourselves to our husbands and not deprive one another unless we agree to abstain for a period of time so that we can devote ourselves to prayer. Whoa. Most of us can remember the last time we had a tired headache or just didn’t feel like it, but we probably don’t recall the time we asked our husband if we could agree together to refrain from sex to foster a season of prayer.

Paul encourages us to “look not only to our own interests, but also the interests of others” (Phil 2:4).

When you routinely withhold sex from your husband you are not considering his desires or even his feelings. Whether you are a man or a woman, rejection stings. When we only think about our mood, desires and preferences we fail to consider the fact that we are hurting our husband’s feelings and eroding the unity in our marriage. There are undoubtedly many who will read this and begin looking for loopholes and exceptions. However, the two principles we must gather from these passages is that God tells us we should be engaging regularly in sex with our spouse, and that we should be seeking to serve our spouse more than we serve our own preferences.

Will there be days when you legitimately don’t feel well physically or emotionally and you don’t desire sexual intimacy? Sure. Your husband should seek to love and serve you on those days, but pursuing sexual intimacy with your husband should be the rule and not the exception in your relationship. If you are in a cycle of withholding from your husband it’s time to make a change.

Talk About it

If you are noticing a lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage, your husband recognizes it too. Maybe you have never discussed your expectations about your sex life. Maybe you are content to have sex once a week, but your husband is struggling and wants to increase your sexual intimacy. Talk about these expectations and do it with humility (Phil 2:1-4). Be ready to give up your own preferences (1 Cor 13:5) and serve your spouse. As you talk, remember that you are both on the same team. You both should want the same things: a close, intimate relationship with one another that brings joy to both of your lives and honors Christ.

While each couple’s conversations about this will look differently, your conversation should be honest, loving, and goal oriented. Acknowledging the need for change is important, but it won’t necessarily change your relationship.

Be sure to set some clear goals as you move forward. Maybe you settle on a number of times per week that you’ll seek to come together sexually. Maybe you’ll come up with days of the week that you’ll have sex with your spouse. Scheduling sex on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays doesn’t sound particularly, well, sexy, but it may help you to grow as a couple. Also, consider scheduling a time a few weeks later to circle back and talk again to see how things are going, if things are improving, or if you need to tweak your goals and efforts.

Do It

After you consider what God wants (for you and your spouse to have sex regularly), and after you talk to each other and make a plan to serve one another better in this area, the only thing left is to have sex. Make it happen. Consider what is keeping you from having sex and eliminate the obstacles.

Too tired at night to have sex? Plan to take a power nap during the day, go to bed earlier, or have sex in the morning!

Too busy for sex? Take something off your plate. Your marriage should be a priority (Mark 10:7-9). There are certainly things you can let go of so that you can focus more attention on the spouse God has given you.

Too upset with your husband for some reason to have sex? Take initiative to be reconciled to one another so that there is no relational conflict keeping you from coming together (Eph 4:26).

Maybe you are just being lazy and passive about taking time to engage sexually? Turn off Netflix, get off Facebook, stop reading blogs and go have sex with your husband!

Have fun, be creative, and enjoy one another as you seek to honor God in all things—including sex (1 Cor 10:31).

Lauren Lambert is a pastor’s wife to Heath and mom of three children. She lives in Jacksonville, FL where Heath serves as Associate Pastor at First Baptist Church and is the Executive Director for Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.