Pictures for my husband

How Can I Tell What My Husband is Looking at on His Phone

Last updated October 10, 2019 by Ian McEwan

When your husband/boyfriend is smiling while looking at his phone, you should be suspicious especially if he’s not that into you anymore. It may be no surprise that the more he spends time looking at his phone, the more he decides to spend less time with you. There’s a possibility he’s cheating as he can be doing many things on his phone while ignoring you. Of course, you should feel at ease if he’s just playing games since you can easily hear the sound of that. What if he’s not? There’s a chance he’s up to no good. He could be doing a lot of other nasty things.

Other nasty things he may doing on his phone:

Watching Porn

Should I be upset that my husband watches porn? Of course! It basically means the husband is tired of having sex so he decides to watch porn and play with himself. Of course, there’s no way he’ll date any of the porn stars so he decides to do the next best thing. Unfortunately, that’s the same as cheating as there’s no way to trust a man who fantasizes about another woman. It’s even worse if your husband is watching gay porn. It means your partner is gay or bisexual. That’s not exactly what you’re looking for in terms of a relationship. That would ruin your long-term plans. You’d want someone who is a straight guy as gay people are only good for friends.

Dating Another Woman

It may be exchanging friendly text messages but that can be the start of something horrible.

Of course, this is where all relationships start so never underestimate a simple conversation between a man and a woman. Besides, why would you want to share your man with someone else? Once you find out all the women your husband has been talking to, find out the reason why he’s been talking to them. He may have a good reason for their conversation. They may be his clients at work, colleagues or even relatives you haven’t met. Of course, you can’t believe his reasons right away. You can search the people he sent messages to on social media. Once you find them, you’ll find out if they’re the people your husband says they are. You better do it right away or your husband could have made fake social media accounts of the ladies he’s flirting with, and Your Husband may delete a text message from the female.

Using a Dating App

With the rise of dating apps, men can easily meet a woman online by downloading these apps. After all, they’re free. Hence, they have nothing to lose when looking at hundreds of girls who are also looking for a relationship. Therefore, it’s bad news when you see your husband downloaded a dating app on his mobile phone. It simply means he’s not satisfied with your relationship anymore and he’s looking for something else. Of course, not all men are looking for serious relationships in these dating apps.

Some are just after sex and that’s even worse. After all, who would want their husbands to have someone else as a sex buddy?

So. How can I see what my husband/boyfriend is looking at on the internet?

1. Unlock Husband’s Phone

Perhaps, the best way to find out would be to look through his phone. But most of you might get into trouble by unlocking his phone, even you got the cell phone with him knowing. Given the tension between you two, you should find your own way to get the screen passcode. Take a guess, starting from the most common passcodes, like 123456, 111111, 0000, etc. If you are not lucky enough, using a lock wiper to remove the screen lock seems to be a good idea.

Try iMyfone Lockwiper, which can instantly remove various locks from iPhone/iPad/iPod touch and Android.

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2. Recover Deleted “Evidence”

Unfortunately, he probably deleted the conversations he had with the lady he’s flirting with. After all, that would erase any guilt he had while talking to the lady. In addition, he could have done the old fashioned way which is to delete browsing history and to clear search history of the browser so you won’t see the porn sites he went to. That wouldn’t be a problem for him since the URL of the sites are easy to memorize anyway. Worry no more, ladies as there’s a way of retrieving previously deleted data if you use iOS Data Recovery or Android Data Recovery. It’s a software that’s usually used to retrieve data for mobile phones that get broken. As an alternate purpose, it can also be used to catch cheating husbands when you use it to retrieve files they’ve deleted.

Here are a few steps to find out what your husband has been looking at online.

Step 1. Get everything ready. Such as getting a pc, a USB cable, and installing the iPhone / Android data recovery on that PC.

Download iPhone Data Recovery

Enter your Email Address, We will send you the download links of our products.Note:Our product is only available on Windows and Mac OS. Download Android Data Recovery

Enter your Email Address, We will send you the download links of our products.Note: Our product is only available on Windows and Mac OS.

Step 2. Find a chance to get the phone of your partner without them knowing.

Step 3. Connect the phone to the computer with the data recovery tool installed and have the phone scanned to find out all the browsing history, deleted sexting or photo, call log, etc.

3. Keep Track

If you are still not entirely at ease after scanning data from your partner’s phone, you can remotely track all the activities on his phone with Spyzie phone monitor, like WhatsApp, Facebook, Messenger, Snapchat, Instagram, browsing history, call log, text message and more than 30 features. For users outside the US, they can use SpyFone.

In conclusion, don’t feel contented when you see your husband’s mobile phone is clean. Use the software and find out the websites he went to and the text messages he sent. After doing that, you can now confirm he’s clean if you don’t see anything to be mad about. On the other hand, you’ll see his nervous face if you’re on your way to catching him red-handed.

  • Husband Deleted Messages From Female Friends
  • How to Spy on Text Messages
  • 4 Signs of Cheating Husband/Man/Boyfriend
  • How to Catch my Husband/Boyfriend Cheating
  • Catch Cheating Spouse by Recover Deleted Text Message

© Provided by Good Housekeeping

If we’re being honest, we’ve all wondered what was on our husband’s phone. Who is he texting? Does he secretly have a Tinder account? What game is he spending all his time on? In my husband’s case, I expected to find Facebook banter, bookmarked articles, college friend group chats, to-do lists and baby animal videos. But the only way to find out for certain was to just look through my husband’s phone. So, I did.

The first place I took a peek was his photos. I figured scanning for a telltale racy pic was a good place to start. Instead, I found this – me, fast asleep.

When I asked why he didn’t have a cute photo of me dozing off, he said that this was cute. While I saw messy eyebrows, oversized pores, and the pillow line on my forehead, he saw me, his wife – the woman he loves. That lady with the brown roots and the frizz? That, he said, is his “Sleeping Beauty.” And there goes my heart, melting away…

© Provided by Good Housekeeping

He also had a few pictures of the trip he took with his dad to the Math Museum. (He’s a shameless nerd.) Doesn’t sound fun? While they were there, his dad rode a tricycle with square tires – because nothing beats witnessing a grown man use something made for a preschooler. I wasn’t there, but I now have the photographic evidence, thanks to my snooping.

What else was lurking in the image files? Lots and lots of prehistoric creatures. You know how little kids go through a dinosaur phase? My husband’s phase never ended. So it’s hardly shocking that he has picture after picture of dinosaur bones. If there’s a prehistoric skeleton in the area, he can smell it like a shark smells blood in the water.

© Provided by Good Housekeeping

Next, I went through his apps. There were several gems there, including a baking app – that he actually uses. My husband has such a sweet tooth that he will bake desserts for himself. Sure, he’ll also make sugary treats for friends and family, but that’s mainly an excuse for him to pig out on his favourite sweets the moment he gets his own plate. Now, he has an app that makes it easier for him to do just that. The only lust I’ve uncovered is for cake and lemon bars.

My husband doesn’t text much, and he’s had the same phone for a million years. So I wasn’t exactly stunned to find a four-year-old text about buying a piece of costume jewellery for a pretty lady friend. That said, it still stung because it reminded me of a period that I’m ashamed to admit out loud.

© Provided by Good Housekeeping

I used to be jealous of this girl, and – if we’re honest here – all his female friends because I considered them competition. Fortunately, maturity helped me realise that it was perfectly healthy for him to have platonic female friends. I trust him, and he trusts me.

And then I found an even more shocking text: Nope, not about a woman but about Pokémon Go. You have to understand that my geeky guy is such an original gamer that he won’t play Pokémon Go. He only plays the Pokémon games that came out when we were kids because he doesn’t like the new versions. So it would be like a sports fan who feels that tennis is too wimpy texting about the U.S. Open.

I guess it’s not totally surprising to read him talking about the craze inspiring criminal activity then. He probably typed this text with glee. No matter how smart and mature our guys are, they will still always be guys.

When it comes to games, the only one I found on his phone is – nerd alert – the Font Game. My hubby is a very talented motion graphics designer. Okay, I’m bragging, but he needs eagle eyes for typography in his line of work. So instead of playing “Candy Crush” when he’s bored, he brushes up on his serifs and san-serifs. I never knew this app even existed, yet it explains so much, like how he’ll interrupt our conversation to point out the font on a sign as if we’ve just stumbled across a unicorn. Is that a mythical beast? No, honey, it’s just Helvetica.

Exploring the dark, deep underbelly of my husband’s phone ended up being far less painful than I expected. (Full disclosure: I asked first.) It wasn’t so dark or so deep. I actually found more reasons to adore him – and had a good gut check.

Chances are that when we feel the need to pore over our husbands’ phones, it’s because there’s an underlying issue that’s eating away at us. Instead of fretting and obsessing, we should discuss what’s actually bothering us and come up with a solution like real adults. The moment we go through his phone without asking is the moment we break the trust in our relationship. Communication keeps us honest and, frankly, happier in the end.

IN PICS: 8 Things Couples Therapists Say Always Ends A Marriage

What Happens When You Snoop on Your Spouse

The following conversation occurred in the Save My Marriage private Facebook group. All identifying information has been removed.

QUESTION:
“I thought things were going really well with my husband and I… then this morning he forgot his phone and this is what I found…. What do I do? Do I confront him and take a thousand steps back, do I ask him if he’s got something going on and play dumb or do I leave it alone and work like crazy to keep him? She’s in Colorado…

In my mind he’s had 2 affairs already. Both were via text/email. None of them got physical…but I see this ending very badly. However, he has a tendency to pick people to “cheat” on me with that he knows won’t get physical. Like this one – we are in one midwest state and she is in a completely different one, so he thinks it’s safe. And of course most of the messages were from a few weeks ago, when we were still very questionable.

Since that time, he has come back home. The only messages he sent since coming home were telling the other woman that he was starting his day shift “tomorrow.” Of course he followed it up with “being able to see you again might be easier” and asked if that is something she would like. She said it would be nice and he said, “Yes. Very nice.” I’m so lost and torn.

Joe Beam what advice do you have for me, as a man who has been there? This week has been really good for us. We are spending a lot of time together, talking, laughing, and he’s working his new schedule out to go on vacation with us at the end of the month. It seems like he’s really trying – but also maybe wanting to keep this thing going with the old flame on the side.”

ANSWER:
As we always say, you have to make your own decision as to what to do.

If I understand correctly what you wrote above, the offending texts were written weeks before you found them when he left his phone at home. I assume that means that you looked through his phone and that’s how you found them. In other words, the texts weren’t there on the screen so that you inadvertently saw them. You searched through the phone. That actually makes a difference.

Our experience working with couples indicates that if he feels you were snooping and invading his privacy, the conversation won’t be about the things they wrote but about you going through his phone. If that occurs, usually only bad things happen. The focus moves from what he/she wrote to what you did and things degenerate quickly. We often tell people that if they choose to take actions such as planting a GPS in the car, secretly looking through emails or phone, and the like, they should be ready to divorce because those actions rarely lead to making things better and typically make things worse.

If you had stumbled across the texts innocently – you picked up his phone that he left and there those texts were right on the screen – then asking him about them would be in order. Even then, I would suggest that it not be in the form of an attack “I CAUGHT YOU” but in the form of personal hurt “I didn’t mean to see this and it hurts that I did.” That can lead to the person not responding in defensiveness but in compassion to your hurt.

Again, if I read correctly what you wrote, you say that the texts were sent before matters between the two of you began to improve. That’s significant. If it were I, I would not mention the texts and keep everything moving in the positive direction you now have. Later, when your marriage is better, some of the other issues you mentioned will very likely need to be dealt with (his not viewing texting as cheating, etc.) but I suggest you leave those to a time when the relationship between the two of you is much stronger.

And I end as I began. It is your choice as to how to proceed. None of us can tell you what to do. May God grant you wisdom and courage.

Someone else chimed in:
And he said “to start seeing you again?” That’s definitely cheating! I’d text her and let her know he’s your husband!

My response to that:
There’s an old adage, “Do you want to win the battle or win the war?” I think that definitely applies here.

Contacting the other woman or making an issue out of this under the circumstances would have a very strong possibility of stopping progress and ending this marriage. If he is involved with this woman still – remember those messages were BEFORE things got better with the husband- then it will come out and should be dealt with then. Bringing them up now – after they’ve made progress since the texts were sent – will very likely create a firestorm.

I understand hurt and anger. However, we always suggest people think 10-10-10. How are you going to feel about this – and what will the consequences be – in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years? Popping her or him might make you feel like you won, but for how long? Will you in 10 months wish that you had focused on the progress made after the texts rather than moving backward and focusing on the texts?

She has to make her own decision. You are free to share your opinion, just as am I. I truly hope she focuses on the present and not throw a bomb into this over what they texted before he started moving in the right direction in his marriage.

What Can You Learn From This?

1. Don’t Snoop!

If you don’t walk away with anything else, at least remember this: snooping brings more harm than good. It seems that the main reason that people snoop is to soothe their own conscience. “Is my spouse doing something he or she is not supposed to?”

First, if your marriage is rocky and/or your spouse is straying, then likely your spouse is doing something he or she is not supposed to. If you snoop and find something bad, it will only taint your stance on standing for your marriage and make things harder. If you snoop and find nothing, it could lead to false hope as well. The only time that “spying” on your spouse is appropriate is during the reconciliation/accountability stage of saving your marriage, or if you and your spouse are doing well and have agreed that both of you can look freely through the others belongings.

2. Think long-term, not short-term

In the short-term, when finding out surprising information, you may be likely to respond in an attacking and defensive state. Don’t trust your gut reaction. Take some time to take deep breaths, think about what has happened, and arrange a long-term plan that will help you save your marriage, not make it worse.

3. Be careful who you listen to

People mean well. However, some people want you to react the way that they have reacted in the past. Many times…that does not lead people down a helpful road. Be careful who you seek advice from. More importantly, be careful how much advice you seek.

If we’re being honest, we’ve all wondered what was on our husband’s phone. Who is he texting? Does he secretly have a Tinder account? What game is he spending all his time on? In my husband’s case, I expected to find Facebook banter, bookmarked articles, college friend group chats, to-do lists and baby animal videos. But the only way to find out for certain was to just look through my husband’s phone. So, I did.

The first place I took a peek was his photos. I figured scanning for a telltale racy pic was a good place to start. Instead, I found this — me, fast asleep.

Christine Stoddard

When I asked why he didn’t have a cute photo of me dozing off, he said that this was cute. While I saw messy eyebrows, oversized pores, and the pillow line on my forehead, he saw me, his wife — the woman he loves. That lady with the brown roots and the frizz? That, he said, is his “Sleeping Beauty.” And there goes my heart, melting away…

He also had a few pictures of the trip he took with his dad to the Math Museum. (He’s a shameless nerd.) Doesn’t sound fun? While they were there, his dad rode a tricycle with square tires — because nothing beats witnessing a grown man use something made for a preschooler. I wasn’t there, but I now have the photographic evidence, thanks to my snooping.

Christine Stoddard

What else was lurking in the image files? Lots and lots of prehistoric creatures.

What else was lurking in the image files? Lots and lots of prehistoric creatures. You know how little kids go through a dinosaur phase? My husband’s phase never ended. So it’s hardly shocking that he has picture after picture of dinosaur bones. If there’s a prehistoric skeleton in the area, he can smell it like a shark smells blood in the water.

Christine Stoddard

Next, I went through his apps. There were several gems there, including a baking app — that he actually uses. My husband has such a sweet tooth that he will bake desserts for himself. Sure, he’ll also make sugary treats for friends and family, but that’s mainly an excuse for him to pig out on his favorite sweets the moment he gets his own plate. Now, he has an app that makes it easier for him to do just that. The only lust I’ve uncovered is for cake and lemon bars.

My husband doesn’t text much, and he’s had the same phone for a million years. So I wasn’t exactly stunned to find a four-year-old text about buying a piece of costume jewelry for a pretty lady friend. That said, it still stung because it reminded me of a period that I’m ashamed to admit out loud.

Christine Stoddard

I used to be jealous of this girl, and — if we’re honest here — all his female friends because I considered them competition. Fortunately, maturity helped me realize that it was perfectly healthy for him to have platonic female friends. I trust him, and he trusts me.

And then I found an even more shocking text: Nope, not about a woman but about Pokémon Go. You have to understand that my geeky guy is such an original gamer that he won’t play Pokémon Go. He only plays the Pokémon games that came out when we were kids because he doesn’t like the new versions. So it would be like a sports fan who feels that tennis is too wimpy texting about the U.S. Open.

I guess it’s not totally surprising to read him talking about the craze inspiring criminal activity then. He probably typed this text with glee. No matter how smart and mature our guys are, they will still always be guys.

When it comes to games, the only one I found on his phone is — nerd alert — the Font Game. My hubby is a very talented motion graphics designer. Okay, I’m bragging, but he needs eagle eyes for typography in his line of work. So instead of playing “Candy Crush” when he’s bored, he brushes up on his serifs and san-serifs. I never knew this app even existed, yet it explains so much, like how he’ll interrupt our conversation to point out the font on a sign as if we’ve just stumbled across a unicorn. Is that a mythical beast? No, honey, it’s just Helvetica.

Exploring the dark, deep underbelly of my husband’s phone ended up being far less painful than I expected. (Full disclosure: I asked first.) It wasn’t so dark or so deep. I actually found more reasons to adore him — and had a good gut check.

Chances are that when we feel the need to pore over our husbands’ phones, it’s because there’s an underlying issue that’s eating away at us. Instead of fretting and obsessing, we should discuss what’s actually bothering us and come up with a solution like real adults. The moment we go through his phone without asking is the moment we break the trust in our relationship. Communication keeps us honest and, frankly, happier in the end.

Christine Stoddard

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Photo by AntonioGuillem/iStock/Getty Images Plus, St. George News

Question

My husband and I have been married 15 years. We each have children from first marriages. It’s always been my understanding that his ex-wife wanted the divorce. I later learned from her it was because he was condescending, and it seems he’s always experienced some guilt over it. He seems to try really hard to be accommodating to her.

I am always in support of him being the best father he can be, which includes being good to their mother. Over the years she has given her opinion about many things regarding our family life and influenced many decisions – including calling him on our vacations.

Even though his youngest is 23 years old, his ex-wife is constantly trying to take “family” pictures without me. We have gotten along fine over the years, but now at every event where we are all there, she frequently asks me to take a picture of all of them – or has one of the kids ask me.

I found out last summer that his ex-wife regretted divorcing him shortly after she’d done so and wanted him back. My husband’s sister said the ex-wife always thought he’d come back. He ignores me when I tell him about how the “family” picture issue makes me feel. He acts like he doesn’t notice. I have even told him that if in any way he wants his old “family” back, I would step aside. He says that’s ridiculous, but these episodes of her trying to take “family” pictures continues.

I got counseling about this issue in the past, and what I got from this is that it was my husband’s fault that he didn’t draw appropriate boundaries. It is still happening. I never used to be an insecure person but am feeling more insecure as time goes on.

I don’t think this is good for me. I love my husband and believe he loves me, but I feel absolutely horrible about this when it occurs. For the last year or so we have tried to avoid the picture issue, but this last weekend when I was asked to take a picture of them, I refused and later got very upset at my husband because it was still happening — and told him he needed to take care of it. I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to continue this way.

Answer

It sounds like you’ve been actively trying to address this difficult dynamic with your husband and his ex-wife for many years, but nothing is changing. They’re both stuck in an unresolved attachment dance that neither of them is willing to change. While you can’t do anything to make either of them change their behaviors, you need to know you still have options.

You’ve brought it up with him, you’ve declined to take their picture and you’ve even sought counseling to figure out how to cope with this strange dynamic between your husband and his ex-wife. Since this is something that bothers you more than it bothers them, you have a personal responsibility to decide if this is something you want to continue addressing.

While I can agree with you that it’s odd to keep taking family photos of the old arrangement while you’re standing on the outside, you have to determine how threatening this is to your bond with your husband.

My guess is that this photo-taking interaction is just the tip of the iceberg in your years-long frustrations with your husband’s unwillingness to set healthy boundaries. If he’s still making room for her in all of these different scenarios, what do you want to do? Is it a deal-breaker for your marriage?

It sounds like it’s serious enough for you to consider moving aside so he can go back to his original setup. Again, he’s not bothered by it enough to do anything different, so you have to decide if it’s something you want to continue addressing it or accept it as part of the conditions of this marriage.

If you decide to keep addressing this with him, instead of making it about the picture taking, talk with your husband about your worries about him wanting to be with his ex-wife again. Let him know you count on his loyalty to you and your new family. If he won’t reassure you and dismisses your concerns, then you can seek out marriage counseling to have a professional help you resolve this impasse.

Regardless of your decision to address it or accept it, you can still have boundaries with this situation. Here are some examples of boundaries you might consider:

  • Inviting him to marriage therapy.
  • Refusing to take any photos of their old family.
  • Insisting on being in the family photos next to your husband.
  • Expecting him to talk with you about this when it happens.
  • Agreeing on a game plan when you’re going to be around his ex-wife.
  • Excluding the ex-wife from parenting decisions.
  • Surrendering this dynamic and trusting your husband’s commitment to you.
  • Asking for ongoing reassurance from your husband.
  • Addressing this directly with his ex-wife and asking for her cooperation.
  • Create more marital separation if he continues to involve her in these ways.

As you can see, you have options and don’t have to stay bitter and fearful in a state of perceived powerlessness. Your husband is exercising his ability to direct his life, and you have the same right. Obviously, your goal is to create marital harmony, but if this isn’t your husband’s goal, then you have some tough decisions to make. However, you need to know that you can still make decisions.

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

Instagram: @geoffsteurer

Facebook: facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT

Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2019, all rights reserved.

Geoff Steurer is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity” and is the founding director of LifeSTAR of St. George, a three phase treatment program for individuals and couples healing from the effects of pornography and sexual addiction. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, UT. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. He also specializes in working with individuals and couples dealing with any form of sexual betrayal. He has been married to his wife, Jody, since 1996 and they are the parents of four children. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook. The opinions stated in this article are Steurer’s own and may not be representative of St. George News.

Should you have your significant other as your phone background?

Of all the things we stare at during the day, the one we turn to the most is the same for many of us: the filthy, fingerprint-stained screen of our tiny pocket computers. This is why I choose to adorn that space with a photograph of Harry Styles wearing tweed trousers and a sweater with a giant “H” on it. It is also why other people pick a photo of their significant others.

Personally, I think this choice is a perfectly fine one. I, too, have chosen photos of boyfriends as my lock screen without giving it much thought. They were cute! I liked looking at them! But I also never took into account the fact that sometimes — increasingly, in fact — other people look at your phone, too, and those people also have opinions.

Which raises the question: Is it weird? Is the disembodied face of the person that the phone owner is possibly boning a bizarre thing to display on one’s primary communicative device? Is it a romantic gesture in a gross way, like putting your girlfriend’s initials in your Instagram bio? Or is it a romantic gesture in an okay way, like swearing to share each other’s enemies?

I heard from dozens of people, some in relationships, some single, about significant others as phone backgrounds, and guess what? People have a lot of thoughts about it, ranging from “of course my girlfriend is my background, I love her” to “phone backgrounds are a dogs-only space” and finally to this absolutely nuclear take: that couples do this in an attempt to convince themselves they are happy when, in fact, they are not. Here are their answers.

A significant other as your phone background is cute!

“We’ve endured hard times together. I’m pretty sure I want to be with this person for the rest of my life, and having him as my lock screen is a sweet reminder of the commitment we have to one another. Mind you, he’s the only person I’ve ever had as my lock screen. This would not be done for a regular or casual dude.” —Niara Williams, has been dating her boyfriend for three years

“My girlfriend is my background and I change it seasonally. I post about her on Instagram all the time. I love her, duh; she’s a big part of my life and I showcase pretty much all the stuff that happens in my life. So I feel like it would be weird not to showcase her, you know?” —Mike Tommasiello, has been dating his girlfriend for two years

“I have a picture of my boyfriend and I as my phone lock screen, but more because I hate the generic options Apple provides.” —Meg Shields, has been dating her boyfriend for six years

Mike Tommasiello changes his phone background of his girlfriend with the seasons. Courtesy of Mike Tommasiello

It’s fine, but only on the home screen

“I have a picture of my boyfriend and I on my background (not my lock screen — obvi that space is meant for my dog). One, I can barely see it over the apps so I feel like it’s not that big of a deal, but sometimes I do look at it on purpose and it makes me smile thinking about the day we took it if I’m in a bad mood or something. But I also wanted to stab him for playing five hours of Fortnite last night, so.” —Kelsey Corbin, has been dating her boyfriend for four years

“I have my boyfriend as my phone background but only the home screen. I also generally pick a photo where he’s not the main focus. So he’s there somewhere but covered by apps most of the time.” —Alex Yakacki, has been dating his boyfriend for one year and eight months

“Maybe this is the 2018 version of a locket. Ben, my boyfriend, is only on my background, not my lock screen, so the picture is very visible to me and yet fairly private. I’d argue it’s more private than a couple’s Instagram photo. It’s also less formal than a physical photograph like a wallet-sized photo, which most people probably only print around their engagement or wedding. I don’t have a work desk, so I’d argue it’s also more private and less ‘serious’ seeming than having a picture of your significant other at work, although there’s nothing wrong with that.” —Daisy Alioto, has been dating her boyfriend for three months

Daisy Alioto’s boyfriend as her lock screen, with a Bioré pad. Courtesy of Daisy Alioto

I have my significant other as my phone background, but they don’t have me as theirs

“Since my boyfriend and I started dating over five years ago, he’s had the same photo of his sister as his phone background. At first it didn’t bother me — why would it? She’s amazing! But then, people started asking if it was me (we both have nose rings) and I had to specify that no, it was his sister. I got frustrated. And as the years rolled by, I became a woman obsessed. I’m not petty enough to bring it up, but I am petty enough to constantly change my phone background to different adorable pictures of him and shove them in his face to show him how much I care.

As of now, the photo remains unchanged, probably because my boyfriend spends zero time thinking about something so inconsequential as his phone background. Some women dream of their wedding day; I dream of the day I’ll get my tiny face as his screensaver, peering out at him from behind the date and time.” —Anonymous, has been dating her boyfriend for five years

“I do, but his has remained an aeroplane flying over east London ever since we met. He’s been my lock and background screen for a while, but he’s never dared to make me his. I’m the romantic one that wears my heart on my sleeve; he’s the pragmatist and private about that kind of thing. Now we meet in the middle!” —Kathryn Bishop, has been with her boyfriend for three and a half years

“ is mine; it’s just a nice thing for me to have, but I don’t feel like it’s necessary. I know I’m not his. Sometimes I playfully give him shit about it, but at the end of the day, I don’t care that much. As long as his actions are good, I don’t care about the background. My ex had me as his background and he was a piece of shit, so I don’t think it necessarily correlates to a good relationship.” —Chelsey Cioli, has been with her boyfriend for one year, five months

Chavie Lieber, who is married with a baby, keeps her family as her phone background. Courtesy of Chavie Lieber

“In my most recent relationship, I had my boyfriend as the background of my iPhone. I thought it was weird to include me in the photo (why would I want to look at a picture of me constantly?), so it was just one of him standing on the beach. Friends thought it was sweet. He had a photo of St. Vincent (his celebrity crush) as his phone background for nearly a year, and it wasn’t until he majorly messed up that he changed the background to one of the two of us. But I’m pretty sure he just did it to pacify me. People thought it was odd that a grown man had a photo of another woman, whom he’d never spoken to or met, as his background. The relationship has since ended — turns out he was deeply selfish and cruel. He promptly changed it back to St. Vincent after the breakup.” —Anonymous

A significant other as your phone background is too in-your-face

“It feels very showy. Like, ‘Look at me! I have a person who loves me! Ask me about it please because having a boyfriend is my only personality trait!’ That being said, I am in a loving relationship with my cat and she is my background because she is my everything.” —Mary Kate Schroeter, has been with her cat for one year

“Who makes their significant other their iPhone background? I do not think happy couples do this. It’s like all that science that says happy couples don’t post about each other on social media that much, because you’re not trying to prove something.” —Nisha Chittal, has been with her husband for seven years

“I have a lot of anxiety about relationships and whether I’m good enough for love and/or whether the person who I’m dating actually cares about me or is just pretending. When I saw that my girlfriend had our picture as her phone background, a huge weight felt like it was lifted in that moment — like she actively chose to do that, so why would she do that if she didn’t love me and I didn’t deserve her love? I didn’t change mine because I’m a mental health counselor, and I use my personal phone at work a lot and don’t want the people I work with to know much about my personal life! I would if that wasn’t the case though. I love pictures of us.” —Anonymous, has been with his girlfriend for two months

Many people said they’d only include their SO in a phone background if their dog was involved. (Said dog is @franklinfurrever.) Courtesy of Tasmai Uppin

“My lock screen has been the same for over a year and it is a picture of … myself! I get a lot of criticism because people are like, ‘That’s vain, blah blah,’ but it’s a fun photo of me going down a water slide and IDGAF what anyone says. When I got a boyfriend, I was like, ‘Should I put him in my phone background?’ But as someone who so rarely changes it, that just felt forced, like I was trying to conform or prove that I’m not single or something.” —Meredith Hirt, has been dating her boyfriend for five months

“My husband and I have never had each other as phone backgrounds. I don’t know why he doesn’t (doesn’t love me probably). I didn’t have a smartphone for any previous relationship, and by my mid-20s, I think it seemed a little childish and insecure to me, like scrawling his name on my binder so everyone knows we’re a thing.” —Claire Fallon, has been with her husband for six years

“I feel like your phone background is one of those things that people judge pretty quickly and can say a lot about you, since you see it every time you check your phone (which is too damn much). Having your SO as your background makes your relationship a big part of your identity, and I don’t want people to base their impression of me on that alone.” —Maria Vishnevsky, has been dating her boyfriend for seven years

A significant other as your phone background is weird and corny

“People who have their actual SOs on their phone are fucking weird. I just have Anthony Joshua as my background. Watching him work out is the closest I’ve come to true love.” —Irina Dvalidze

“I have always thought it really corny to have your significant other’s face as your lock screen or background. I had an ex do that once and was a little embarrassed by it at the time.” —Anonymous

“I was on the subway and looked over and this girl had a pic of her and her boyfriend as her background. The picture looked like it could have been a J. Crew ad. Maybe I’m a bitter B or just have never loved someone that much, but I personally can’t imagine putting myself and my SO as the background. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like people who sit on the same side of the booth. I think couples do it to remember the happy times and reminisce on this one day or one hour where they fell back in love with each other, which has since devolved into the monotonous daily struggle of remembering why you are with someone.” —Takara Lyons

“Do adult people do this? I thought it was just a Gen Z high-schooler thing. Mine is usually a design or something aesthetically pleasing. Not to say isn’t aesthetically pleasing to me, but I already see his face every day, so that’s my excuse.” —Lauren O’Connell, has been with her fiancé for 10 years

“1) Gross. 2) Do you seriously forget what your partner looks like that you need to have them as your phone background? 3) My roommate has her boyfriend as her phone background and I was like, ‘Could you be any more heterosexual?’ I don’t hate love, I swear!” —Marine Gonzalez

“For a long time, my 72-year-old dad used a risqué photo of his 70-year-old girlfriend for his iPhone screen background. She was like dressed up as a sexy schoolgirl, and every time he asked me to pull up directions on his phone or whatever, I would have to be reminded of the fact that my dad fucks. It was horrible.” —Leila Sales

The only acceptable phone background is a dog, like @dragonthestaffy, according to many. Courtesy of Tasmai Uppin

Phone backgrounds are for dogs only

“I’ve always had a picture of my dog as the background because I think she’s the one person I’ve loved unconditionally (yeah, my dog is a person), and socially it’s always acceptable to have a dog or animal as a phone background. Maybe I’m a jaded single person, but I also see people that have an SO as their background as kind of vain and exploiting their relationship. It’s the same as posting a million couple pics on socials. Like, good for you, but keep it to yourself. Also, your boyfriend isn’t as cute as my dog.” —Virginia Dickens

“I’m married, and most of my co-workers are either in serious relationships or married. And the one thing we all have in common is that we all have pics of our dogs as our backgrounds. Of the people I polled in the office, only one of them had a picture of their dog AND their SO together, one of them had a pic of herself with her dog, and one had a pic of a Monet painting.” —Tasmai Uppin, has been with her husband for three years

“My phone lock screen and background are my cat and dog, respectively. I would MAYBE include my significant other if they were in a picture with my cat or my dog. I’m also not a very sappy person when it comes to human relationships, but I’m very sappy with animal relationships.” —Anna Glendening

And finally, the most honest and most relatable opinion: it’s only okay when I do it

“ I hate when other people are in love, but I love when I’m in love.” —Donna Waterman, has been dating her girlfriend for six months

© Westend61/Getty Images

Welcome to ‘Between the Sheets,’ a new series in which we answer reader questions about sex, relationships and finding happiness in and out of love. Got a burning question? Send it to [email protected]

“I know you’re not supposed to snoop on your partner… but I couldn’t shake the feeling that my husband had been getting too close to his new co-worker lately. So, I snooped and found what I feared: Suspicious texts. Do I confront him, and also confess that I violated his privacy?”

Technology has made us all sort of crazy. Not only is it easier for a person to cheat, thanks to all the mechanisms of connection (DM, LinkedIn, breezy email), it’s also easy to carry around the evidence of an affair on that good ol’ smartphone we all have on our person.

For the increasingly suspicious partner, it’s so tempting to hack an iPhone or iPad… and a lot of people do. Then, they either don’t like what they find and don’t know how to handle the evidence, or realize they made a big mistake assuming the worst. They also don’t know how to go about confronting the issue—because they know they’re not technically supposed to invade a partner’s privacy like that.

Today, I want to talk about both outcomes. Both are common, and worthy of discussion. In either outcome, I am not as concerned with how to confront your partner as much as I am the level of trust left between you two.

You have no reason not to trust your current partner, but you don’t.

Let’s say you open up that phone, search for the most flirtatious, salacious texts imaginable, and they’re not there. In fact, everything looks pretty innocuous. OK. You need to reflect on what you believe made you feel this way.

Oftentimes, if you seek evidence of an affair that’s not there, it’s not actually about your current partner. It’s about your past. Perhaps a past relationship in which an ex cheated made you internalize negative self-worth, distrusting behaviors and intrusive thoughts about cheating? Did you ever date someone whose stories didn’t add up? Who was manipulative? Emotionally abusive and traumatic events in relationships are real—and to some degree, you can suffer PTSD-like symptoms. Researchers have proposed a new diagnosis for this: Post-Traumatic Relationship Syndrome.

You have to ask yourself: Do I mistrust relationships in general, or has my current partner given me real reasons not to trust him or her? If the former, it’s best to be fully open about both the snooping and why you think you did it. Tell your husband that you know now that he didn’t cheat on you (and wouldn’t), but anxiety over past relationships drove you to do something you regret. Also discuss healthier coping mechanisms you think might work—and don’t hesitate to call a therapist, who can help you work through this trauma.

You have legit reasons not to trust your partner, and you don’t.

So, per our reader question…let’s say you find those incriminating texts, and they’re just as bad as you suspected. While I’m not going to say “file those divorce papers,” especially if there’s a child involved, I do think you need to ask yourself one pressing question: Can trust be rebuilt?

If you think yes, then it’s fair to confront the situation, in a straightforward manner. Yes, you did something wrong by snooping—but so did he, and you both need to own up. Once each of you has come clean, think about ways to move forward in the relationship, and what you’d both need to do so. Is there evidence that your spouse has ended the affair? Is therapy a must for both of you, individually and as a couple? Do you need to work on relationship-building techniques, like words of affirmation or quality time?

Spend some time thinking about how to lay a new foundation with your husband. And make sure that the underlying soil is also your bottom line.

Jenna Birch is a dating coach, journalist and author of The Love Gap: A Radical Plan to Win in Life & Love.

Related video: What counts as cheating in the digital age? Experts weigh in (provided by TODAY)

Wife Fined & Deported After Going Through Husband’s Phone

This latest news comes as a stark warning to anyone who can’t help themselves, and finds it necessary to check their partner’s phone.

Going through your spouse’s phone without his or her consent or knowledge could land you in prison and face a hefty fine.

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The Grand Mufti at the Islamic Affairs and Charitable Activities Department in Dubai (IACAD) told Emirates 24|7 that going through someone’s personal messages, and images is against Islam.

Read: Know Your Rights – UAE Law

“Islam has already deprived such misconducts even before human ordinances came into being. Religious instructions precede human laws,” said Dr Ali Ahmed Mashael, the Grand Mufti at the Islamic Affairs and Charitable Activities Department in Dubai (IACAD).

The Grand Mufti highlighted that it is important to avoid suspicion and commit any act that could be deemed as mistrusting as this can only lead to trouble. Instead he advises being open in communication, speaking to your loved one and about any issues you may have.

Read: How To Protect Yourself From Cyber Crime

Anyone who has watched any soap opera is bound to have seen at least one scene in which a suspicious lover checks a partner’s phone… and we all know it never ends well, and in the UAE that reality is even more serious.

Read: Swearing On WhatsApp Can Land YouIn Prison

Snooping on someone’s phone is not to be taken lightly, in fact this form of espionage falls under the Federal Penal Code No. 380. This breach of privacy can lead to imprisonment and a fine, esepcially if you disclose information stored on a victim’s phone.

Not convinced this story is real? Only recently an Arab woman in Ajman was found guilty of breaching the privacy of her husband after she looked into his mobile without his permission.

Read: Woman Arrested After Insulting Uncle On WhatsApp

She allegedly found evidence of an affair, yet when she confronted him he reported her to the police. She was fined Dhs150,000 and it is believed she will also be deported.

Morale of the story, checking someone’s phone is never worth it. Back away from the device.

Main image: Getty