Funny quotes about graduating

Table of Contents

Short Inspirational Quotes for Graduates from Parents

Graduation is a milestone in a student’s life and being a parent, it is important to show affection for your graduate children by wishing them success in the future. Short Inspirational Quotes for Graduates from Parents are a great way to show your children that you appreciate and value their efforts and encourage them to keep on working hard the same way quotes from parents to son.

Yearbook Quotes From Parents

Graduation Quotes For Daughter

Quotes From Mother to Daughter on Graduation

  1. When you leave here, don’t forget why you came.” —Adlai E. Stevenson

  2. “Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” —Winston Churchill

  3. “I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey

  4. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” —Steve Jobs

  5. “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.” —J.K. Rowling

  6. “When you take risks, you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.” —Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes parents feel it a really hard task to wish their children for their accomplishments in a perfect selection of words because the biggest the accomplishment gets, the harder it gets to write a wish or a quote. So parents can use Short Inspirational Quotes for their Graduates to celebrate their child’s accomplishments as these quotes are the wonderful way of expression of your joy and happiness on this occasion.

There are a majority of sources on Internet to search for these Quotes and you can select relevant images as well from there showing a child climbing the ladder of success or holding a degree with a great enthusiastic charm and smile. Being a parent, make your child’s day of graduation a memorable one by giving them cards and presents along with a quote written on them and make him feel that you are proud to have a child like him.

“If you can imagine it, you can achieve it; if you can dream it, you can become it.” —William Arthur Ward

“Love the life you live. Live the life you love.” —Bob Marley

“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.” —Oscar Wilde

“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” —Kyle Chandler

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” —Dr. Seuss

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

From serious and sentimental to humorous and fun, graduation sayings exist to fit whatever message you want to convey to a graduate. You can use graduation sayings as part of a special graduation speech or to add to a card, scrapbook, yearbook, graduation cake or gift for a middle school or high school graduate.

Graduation Quotes for Daughters and Sons

Tell your son or daughter how you feel with these classic quotes. You can say or write:

  • “A mother’s treasure is her daughter.” – Catherine Pulsifer
  • “If at first you don’t succeed, do it like your mother told you.” – Author Unknown
  • “We must teach our girls that if they speak their mind, they can create the world they want to see.” – Robyn Silverman
  • “You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, even if it’s just in your own eyes.” – Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

Religious Inspirational Sayings

If you’re looking for a religious quote to share with the recent graduate you can use:

  • “An unschooled man who knows how to meditate upon the Lord has learned far more than the man with the highest education who does not know how to meditate.” – Reverend Charles Stanley
  • “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
  • “Don’t go through life, grow through life.” – Eric Butterworth
  • “What we are is God’s gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.” – Eleanor Powell

Short Graduation Sayings

Sometimes it’s best to keep things short and sweet. Write or say:

  • “School’s out. Memories past. Don’t ever doubt. Our friendship will last.” – Author Unknown
  • “Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never ever the same.” – Flavia Weedn
  • “There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship.” – Author Unknown
  • “We do not remember days; we remember moments.” – Cesare Pavese

Motivational Graduation Messages

A motivational message is a great way to share some words of wisdom with the graduate. You can try:

  • “Never give in – never, never, never, in nothing great or small.” – Winston Churchill
  • “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney
  • “Spread joy. Chase your wildest dreams.” – Patch Adams
  • “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” – Dr. Seuss
  • “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” – Les Brown

Funny Congratulations Sayings

Put a smile on the graduate’s face with some of these silly sayings:

  • “The tassel’s worth the hassle!” -Author Unknown
  • “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” – Robert Orben
  • “You know that point at your graduation ceremony where everyone throws their caps? Isn’t it great that we all celebrate how smart we are by throwing sharp pointy objects in the air.” – Anonymous
  • “You will make a lousy anybody else, but you will be the best “you” in existence.” – Zig Ziglar
  • “Life is too important to be taken seriously.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday” – Dale Carneg

Original Sayings and Wishes

Want a saying that is unique and has never been heard before? Use these in a graduation speech or quote.

Preschool/Kindergarten Graduates

Let your little one know how proud you are of them with these phrases:

  • You’ve learned your ABCS and your 123s. The rest of school will be a breeze.
  • You’re a little graduate and we’re so proud of you. Now it’s time for you to head to the big kids’ school.
  • You’ve learned to read your favorite rhymes and count from one to ten, but now it’s time to say goodbye to kindergarten. First grade, here you come!
  • She may be little, but she be a preschool graduate.
  • We love our little graduate and we just want to say how very, very proud we are on your graduation day.

8th Grade Graduation Sentiments

Let the 8th grader in your life know how great they’ve done in school by saying or writing:

  • You’ve crossed the bridge of middle school. Now off to high school you go.
  • No longer a little boy, you’ve grown into a man. You’re moving on from middle school with a diploma in your hand.
  • You’ve gotten through the middle and now you’re on the top. It’s time to head to high school and show them all you’ve got.
  • Three years ago you were our little girl, but today she is no more. Instead standing in her place is a graduate we adore.
  • You’ve graduated middle school. You’re more than halfway done. Only four more years to go. The fun has just begun.

High School Graduation Sayings

High school graduation is such an incredible milestone to experience. Try saying or writing:

  • This little girl is all grown up and now she’s college bound. We can’t wait to see her use the knowledge that she’s found.
  • On your high school graduation, I’d like to stop and say, how proud I am of how much you’ve done to become who you are today.
  • Just yesterday you were in the nest, just learning how to fly. Now it’s time to spread your wings and head for the sky.
  • It has been four long years, but now the day has come. Your life is just beginning as your high school days are done.
  • For years you’ve dreamed about this day and now it’s finally come. Buckle in and hold on tight, your life has just begun.

Graduation Banner Sayings

A graduation banner is a great way to decorate a graduation party, or your home after the ceremony. You can write or have the following options printed:

  • ConGRADulations you superstar!!!!
  • You’re Gonna Soar You Smarty-Pants!
  • Hip Hip Hooray You’ve Graduated Today!
  • Your Amazing Journey Begins Today!
  • You’ve Worked Hard to Get Here, Finals Are Over You’re in the Clear!

Graduation Cake Sayings

A graduation cake is a fun way to celebrate such a major milestone! You can write or have the bakery write:

  • Happy Graduation Day to Our Favorite Person in the World!
  • Here’s to You on This Special Day! You’ve Grown into an Amazing Person in Every Way!
  • Graduation=Party Time!!
  • Off to College You Go to Learn a Lot and Grow!

Yearbook Sayings

If you’re lost on what to say in a yearbook, you can try:

  • Can’t believe this day has finally come. Let’s celebrate our graduation and have lots of fun!
  • Graduation is a time to reflect on yourself. Enjoy every moment of this incredible experience.
  • You’ve graduated with success. Off to college to do your best!
  • What an epic moment you’ve seized! You’ve graduated high school with ease!

Sayings for a Daughter Graduating

If your daughter is graduating, you can say or write:

  • Happy grad day to our incredible daughter. We are so proud of the person you’ve turned into.
  • You’ve grown into an amazing, graceful, and kind woman.
  • Your transformation into adulthood has been an honor to be a part of.
  • It’s been a true joy to raise you. We (I) can’t wait to see what you go off to do.

Sayings for a Son Graduating

When your son graduates, let him know how you feel by saying:

  • What a special man you’ve turned into. We are so proud of you!
  • As a son, you’re the best. Your graduation is a time to celebrate your accomplishments.
  • You’ve changed from a curious boy to a thoughtful man. Today we celebrate your amazing journey!
  • As a son, you’re simply the greatest! Your graduation today is something to be incredibly proud of.

What to Write in a Graduation Card

Although there are lots of quotes about graduation, the most meaningful may be a phrase or saying you come up with yourself. If you’re writing a letter or card to a special grad, what was a piece of advice or a bit of inspiration you wish someone would have shared with you when you were a graduating high school student? For sentiments about education and commencement, take a fresh look at the event of graduation itself and note what strikes you as special about it. For tips on writing your own as sayings pertaining to graduation:

  • Congratulate the graduate on his hard work and any specific accomplishments he achieved. You can’t go wrong with heartfelt wishes.
  • Offer a piece of unique advice.
  • Write a series of inspirational words or phrases with bullets or periods in between for emphasis (i.e. Believe. Dream. Always be your best…).
  • Write a saying about the gifts the graduate has, and what you appreciate in his or her personality.
  • Share special religious or Bible verses or personal mottos with the graduate.
  • Offer a saying about the insight you’ve gained on facing difficult circumstances. Begin with a saying such as, “Going to college/ pursuing your career/ going out on your own/etc. may not always be easy, but one thing I’ve learned when going through difficult times is…”

Celebrating the Graduate

Sharing your thoughts with the recent graduate can be an incredibly meaningful moment for you two. Whether you decide to use a famous phrase or a personalized saying to express graduation sentiments, memorable graduation quotes can play an important role in celebrating this culmination in education.

UCLA Graduate Programs

Use this form to request a leave of absence from graduate study at UCLA.

Leave of Absence Policy

LOA Policy*

Reasons

Outside employment, Medical, Parental obligations, Other family obligations, Military, Emergency, Financial hardship.

Eligibility

A student must have completed at least one quarter of academic residence and be in good academic standing (GPA >= 3.0) to be granted a leave.

Duration

Leaves are approved for a maximum of 3 quarters.

If you return before the end of the planned leave period, you must email the Graduate Division at [email protected] at least six weeks prior to the beginning of the term in which you plan to register. Failure to give at least six weeks’ notice will result in liability for any and all late registration/late enrollment fees assessed by the Registrar’s Office.

Exceptions

By exception, requests for additional quarters beyond the 3-quarter limit may be approved; such approval is at the discretion of an Associate Dean or the Dean of the Graduate Division. The LOA cannot exceed 6 quarters total.

Limitations

  • A student may not use more than 12 hours of university time (faculty and facilities) during the quarter in which (s)he is on approved LOA.
  • A student may not be actively working towards completion of degree requirements, including completing coursework, conducting research, preparing for or taking a comprehensive or oral qualifying exam, or working on a capstone project, thesis or dissertation.
  • Retroactive leaves can only be approved for medical reasons. Documentation must be provided.

Deadlines

The LOA petition must be submitted no later than the end of the 2nd week of class in the academic term for which leave is requested. Please refer to the “Fees/Refunds” section for information on registration fee deadlines and refunds.

Procedure

The student completes the form and then obtains signatures from the chair/authorized faculty advisor and Graduate Division Financial Services staff. The student then submits the completed form to Graduate Division Academic Services.

Visa Req’s

International students who do not have permanent residency must obtain approval from DCISS prior to submission of the form.

Health Insurance

Voluntary UC SHIP is available to nonregistered students who are on official LOA. Students must complete an enrollment application with Wells Fargo Insurance Services. For information on coverage requirements please see non-registered UCSHIP.

Fees/Refunds

Refunds of registration fees are calculated based on calendar days, beginning with first day of instruction. The effective date for determining a refund of fees is the date the completed form is submitted to the Graduate Division.

Please Note: There is a $10 administrative service fee applied to all 100% refunds for Leave of Absence, withdrawal, and cancellations.

While on an approved leave of absence there is no automatic refund of the UC SHIP fee. Students who purchased UC SHIP, withdraw, and/or receive a 100% refund for tuition, only the UC SHIP fee is not automatically refunded and UC SHIP coverage remains for that term. Refunds are calculated on the remainder of registration fees minus the cost of UC SHIP. To request a full refund of the UC SHIP fee, only when it is a 100% tuition refund, the student must contact the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center’s insurance office directly by e-mail to [email protected] before the end of the current term. The e-mail message must include the student’s full name, UID number, date of birth, and reason for the refund request. The UC SHIP office must verify that the student has not accessed the benefits or used any aspect of plan services before any refund can be considered. This process may take up to 30 business days to complete. No refund of the UC SHIP fee is granted if any claim(s) have been paid. Refunds are processed by Bruin-Bill approximately three (3) to five (5) working days after the notice is received and processed by the Registrar’s Office.

Please note: departments typically rescind ALL department funding. Based on the refund percentage applied, this may leave you responsible for a balance of the fee assessment. Please check your BruinBill account via MyUCLA to address any fee balance.

More information on the schedule of refunds is available on the Registrar’s website.

Suspended Services/ Privileges

Students on LOA are not eligible for financial support such as fellowships, scholarships, federal student loans, teaching assistantships or research assistantships. They are also not eligible for university employment, metro bus passes or campus parking privileges.

Continued Services

Students on LOA may use the University library and maintain access to digital services by paying the public user fee.

Housing

Residents of university housing can maintain their residency while taking up to one quarter LOA. If the leave is longer, the student must leave housing and then re-apply upon return. Exceptions may be made for students on approved medical leave.

* Excerpted from Standards and Procedures.

Frequently Asked Questions

What status does a graduate student have at UCLA if that student does not enroll and is not on an approved leave of absence (LOA)?

The graduate student has a “lapsed status.” This happens when a graduate student is not enrolled for classes, registered in absentia, on an approved leave of absence, or for the final quarter, on filing fee status. Please contact your department on how to restore your graduate student status either by applying for readmission or retroactively enrolling.

Can a graduate student get an application fee waiver if s/he needs to apply for readmission?

No. Fee waivers are only available for new applicants to graduate studies at UCLA.

Does a graduate student need to pay non-resident tuition and professional fees in addition to registration fees if they apply for readmission?

Fees continue to be based on where the graduate students are in the program. If a student has advanced to candidacy, s/he has 9 quarters of eligibility to not pay non-resident tuition.

A graduate student forgot to submit the leave of absence petition last quarter. Can a graduate student submit a retroactive leave of absence petition?

No. The Graduate Division only accepts retroactive leave of absence petitions for medical emergencies. The petition must include a doctor’s note.

Does a graduate student need to start repaying loans while on leave of absence?

Loan repayment can be deferred for 6 months after a graduate student graduates or drops below part time enrollment. For students whose leave of absence extends beyond six months, loans will enter repayment. There are forbearance options that students may avail themselves of at that point (ex: forbearance based on unemployment) but this is not an automated process and the graduate student would be required to contact the servicer of his or her loan to find out what options are available.

Are graduate students eligible for departmental funding while on leave of absence?

No, departmental funding is dependent upon graduate students maintaining student status.

Can graduate students pay a filing fee in the quarter following their leave?

No, graduate students must register upon returning from an official leave of absence.

Will a graduate student maintain health insurance while on leave?

Graduate students can request voluntary UC Ship while they are on leave.

Can a graduate student work closely with a professor while on leave?

As a graduate student, if you are using more than 12 hours of university time, including working with a professor, you are not allowed to be on an official leave. Instead, work with your faculty advisor or committee chair to enroll in an independent study or another appropriate course.

Can a graduate student go on LOA to write their dissertation?

Graduate students actively working on their dissertation must be either registered or registered in absentia. Graduate students can also withdraw from the university and apply for readmission when they are ready to resume theirstudy at UCLA.

Can a graduate student apply to go on leave if they already took 3 quarters on LOA?

Exceptional cases that require an extension beyond the 3 quarter limit may be approved; such approval is at the discretion of an Associate Dean or the Dean of the Graduate Division.

Can an international graduate student take leave and go on Curricular Practical Training (CPT)?

No. F-1 students requesting CPT must be registered. For more information please visit www.internationalcenter.ucla.edu/home/Resources/90/91/docs

Can an international graduate student go on leave and go on Post-Completion Optional Practical Training (OPT)?

Yes. International graduate students on OPT can take a leave for outside employment for up to the maximum 3 quarters allowed. If they are not on OPT, but wish to take a leave for outside employment, they must leave the United States or change their immigration status to a different category in order to remain in the U.S. legally. Please consult with the DCISS before taking any leave from the university.

Can an international graduate student go on leave and go on Academic Training?

Please contact DCISS and ask to speak with a J-1 counselor to discuss options.

Does an international graduate student need a new I-20 or DS-2019 when returning to UCLA from a leave of absence in their home country?

F-1 or J-1 status holders may not maintain continuous immigration status while on LOA. International graduate students may be required to obtain a new I-20 or a new DS-2019 from DCISS for their return. Please note that this may also affect their employment/internship eligibility in the future. Please contact DCISS for more information.

Apply Now

How to Apply

Thank you for your interest in The University of Alabama Graduate School. To submit an application please follow the steps below.

  1. Please click here to view admission requirements, application deadlines, and contact information for all graduate programs.
  2. Complete the Application Form (this includes uploading all supporting documents).
  3. Pay the application fee. The application fee is $65 for U.S. citizens and permanent residents and $80 for international students. Please note that application fees are non-refundable. The application fee is waived for the following groups:
    • Veterans and current members of the US military (please submit your DD 214 or current assignment orders during the application process).
    • Ronald E. McNair Postbaccalaureate Achievement Program students (please email [email protected] for more details).
    • University of Alabama undergraduates applying to a graduate program in the same subject area. To qualify for this application fee waiver a student must have no time break between the undergraduate and graduate program and have an overall GPA of 3.0 or greater.
    • Applicants who have previously enrolled in Graduate School at The University of Alabama.
  4. Within 48 hours of completing steps 1 and 2 you will receive an email with your Campus Wide Identification (CWID) number. It is VERY important that you keep this number somewhere safe.
  5. Log back in to the Application Form to check your application status.

International Applicants

Please see our international admissions page for more details.

Supporting Documents

For an explanation of the supporting documents listed below, please visit Supporting Documents. For program specific application requirements and contacts, click here.

Supporting Documents for Degree Seeking Students

Upload the following documents during the application process:

  • Statement of Purpose.
  • Résumé.
  • Contact information for recommenders.
  • Unofficial transcripts. Official transcripts should only be sent after admission. University of Alabama students do not need to submit transcripts.

Request that the following documents be sent to The University of Alabama:

  • Admission Test Scores.
  • Test of English language proficiency (non-native English speakers).

NOTES:

  • Some programs may require that additional documents be submitted through our application portal. Please click here for program specific details.

Supporting Documents for Non-Degree Seeking Students

Upload the following documents during the application process:

  • Unofficial transcripts (University of Alabama transcripts are not required)
  • Test of English language proficiency (non-native English speakers)
  • Degree certificates (international students only; not required for current University of Alabama students)

Health Center Forms

All new University of Alabama students must have vaccinations and TB screening as described on the Student Health Center website.

Admission Policies

An applicant whose credentials meet both of the following minimum requirements may be considered for admission:

  1. GPA: The applicant must have a grade point average of 3.0 overall, 3.0 in the last 60 semester hours in a degree program, or 3.0 for a completed graduate degree program.
  2. Admission Test Scores: The applicant must have a score on the appropriate admissions test (e.g. GRE, GMAT, MAT) that is acceptable for regular admission if required by the department or degree program to which the applicant is seeking admission.

An applicant may also be considered for admission if he or she meets EITHER the GPA requirement for admission (GPA of 3.0) OR the admissions test score requirement for admission (if required by the program). In situations where another part of the application is particularly strong, applicants may be considered for admission if both the GPA and admission test score are below the thresholds above. In cases where an admission test score or GPA are below the numbers stated above, permission to continue is granted at the end of the first 12 hours of graduate credit by earning a minimum GPA of 3.0.

Conditional Language Admission

An international graduate applicant to The University of Alabama may be considered for Conditional Language Admission if she or he does not meet the minimum language score requirements. Please see the international admissions page for more details.

Number of Applications

Application may be made to up to two programs at a time. If a student applies to two programs, he or she must submit two separate and complete sets of application materials and two application fees.

Note on Admissions Requirements

The preceding quantitative requirements for regular and conditional admission are minimum requirements. Divisions or departments may set higher standards. Admissions decisions are based on a composite of qualitative and quantitative information including the applicant’s statement of purpose and letters of recommendation, the academic standing of the programs in which the applicant has studied, relevant professional activities and achievements, test scores, previous grades, and the recommendation of the faculty in the area to which the applicant is seeking admission. Not every applicant whose credentials meet stated quantitative standards is admitted.

Application Deadlines

Although The University of Alabama Graduate School does not have deadlines, many programs do. Please click here for a list of program specific application deadlines.

When a department advertises a deadline they are communicating the date when your admissions file should be COMPLETED. The Graduate School encourages domestic applicants to get all of their required materials submitted six weeks prior to departmental deadlines to allow for processing. For example, if a program offers a December 15 deadline, do not wait until December 14 to apply. Instead, have all of your required materials submitted by the beginning of November.

Getting a student visa can take a significant amount of time. It is recommended that you complete your application well in advance of the start of your first semester of enrollment. For many countries, this could mean completing your application prior to the start of May for enrollment in August.

A Note on Scholarships, Assistantships, and Fellowships

It is important to remember that decisions for most scholarships, assistantships, and fellowships are made early in the semester. It is important to have your file completed as early as possible to be considered for all available awards.

Questions

Any questions about departmental deadlines need to be directed to the individual department. If you need any assistance finding who to speak with at the department-level, please contact the Graduate School or call us at 205 348-5921.

I stumbled across a rather aggravated post (rant) on LinkedIn the other day; detailing a certain user’s distaste (and hatred, actually) for inspirational quotes (posters to be more precise).

And ironically, it inspired me to write this blog.

I thought… surely, not every single quote out there is as ‘boring,’ ‘cheesy’ and ‘pointless’ as this LinkedIn user would have me believe?

And so this week, I’ve been on a quest to find the funniest, most witty and genuinely interesting motivational (and a few de-motivational) one-liners I could – in a bid to win over the cynics… enjoy.

Motivational Quotes

1. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” Joe Girard

2. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar

3. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” Oscar Wilde

5. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” Winnie the Pooh

6. “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” Tom Lehrer

7. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” Steven Wright

8. “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” Unknown

9. “Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” Jeffrey Gitomer

10. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” Dalai Lama

11. “Bad decisions make good stories.” Ellis Vidler

12. “I’ll probably never fully become what I wanted to be when I grew up, but that’s probably because I wanted to be a ninja princess.” Cassandra Duffy

13. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” Cathy Guisewite

14. “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” Mark Twain

15. “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

16. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” Benjamin Franklin

17. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” Unknown

18. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” Charles Schulz

19. “Think like a proton. Always positive.” Unknown

20. “Be happy – it drives people crazy.” Unknown

21. “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” Robert Brault

22. “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” Ayn Rand.

23. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” Robin Williams

24. “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms” Michael Scott

25. “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” Elvis Presley

26. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” Will Rogers

27. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” Dwight D. Eisenhower

28. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” Jason Love

29. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

30. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” Franklin P. Jones

31.“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White

32. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas Eddison

33. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” Unknown

34. “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!” Audrey Hepburn

35. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” Robert Bloch

36. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” Marilyn Monroe

37. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost

38. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” Terry Pratchett

39. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” Billie Burke

40. “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” Unknown

How about some Friday de-motivation?

Bit of a cynic?

Do you agree that inspirational quotes are silly, boring and useless?

Well, here are some de-motivational (slightly sarcastic) quotes, just for you!

41. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” Homer Simpson

42. “Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.” Unknown

43. “The best things in life are actually really expensive.” Unknown

44. “Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying.” Unknown

45. “A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” Justin Sewell

46. “Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.” Unknown

47. “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” Ashleigh Brilliant

48. “If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.” Unknown

49. “The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.” Unknown

50. “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” Unknown

to read more of these ridiculous, but hilarious quotes.

Feel inspired?

What do you reckon? Did I win you over? Or do you still think they’re pointless?

If you’d like to continue browsing some of the best, then check out these motivational quotes books on Amazon.

Or have a look at these other blog posts.

  • The 50 Funniest Inspirational Quotes
  • 50 Famous Quotes to Inspire You Today
  • 28 Funny Motivational Quotes to Make Your Day Awesome
  • 100 Funny Quotes Worth Laughing Over

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20 Funny Quotes which are short and easy to remember!

Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious. Repeat or copy these quotes out to your friends to make them laugh!

  1. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
  2. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
  3. If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
  4. I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
  5. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
  6. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
  7. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
  8. I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
  9. Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
  10. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
  11. Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together!
  12. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
  13. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  14. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  15. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  16. The answer you’re looking for is inside of you, but it’s wrong
  17. One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
  18. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.
  19. An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
  20. The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

Prefer lame, bad jokes? Read our dad jokes!

Share our hilarious quotes on social media below!

Read more funny pages, check out our full list below!

40 Cute and Funny ‘About Me’ Quotes and Sayings to Love Yourself

Need some really funny quotes and sayings to describe yourself, or may be some cool statuses to flaunt on your social networking profiles? Quotabulary gives you some really cute ‘about me’ sayings.

Sometimes we experience some hilariously funny things in our day-to-day lives that would make us smile even in the dullest of moods. Did you come across any such situation lately? Quote that, and watch it going viral in the online world.

Life is an eternal journey to know oneself. And to put it in words, especially for the ‘about’ section on our networking profiles like on Facebook and Instagram, it’s all the more difficult. But, sometimes, quotes framed by others suit perfectly on us, our state of mind, and our lifestyle!

So, let’s just say you’ve decided to go with something that is funny, something that has a cute factor, while it being witty at the same time. And of course, it perfectly describes you!

Here is a collection of such cute and funny quotes and sayings. Read on, and opt for some to flaunt on your social networking profiles.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
― Oscar Wilde

I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.
― Oscar Wilde

I can resist anything except temptation.
― Oscar Wilde

I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
― Albert Einstein

I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious.
― Albert Einstein

I am my own heroine.
― Marie Bashkirtseff

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
― A. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh

Yes I am weird, weird is good. Normal is overrated.
― Mad-D

I am a queen because I know how to govern myself.
― Lailah Gifty Akita

I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it.
― Mary Wortley Montagu

As a girl, I am this stupid, emotional, very loyal, sort of believe-in-values-and-principals sort of girl.
― Priyanka Chopra

Quoted by Anonymous Buddies

Have you seen a squirrel crossing the streets? Yeah right, my decision-making skills resemble it.

I always keep my standards and my heels high.

I am different. That’s my difference.

I am the peanut butter you’ve been craving for!

I am waiting for blessings that aren’t in disguise.

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

I get ignored so much that my nickname should be Terms And Conditions.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I have this disease called Awesome. Kiss me, I’m contagious!

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.

I want to kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime.

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate.

I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?

Everyone I know is either getting a boyfriend or getting married. I’m just getting FAT!

I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy saving mode!

I’m painting a blue square in my backyard so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.

I’m so awesome, I wish I had a friend like me.

I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.

I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous.

I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming.

I’m so naturally funny because my life is like a joke.

You. Can’t. Be. Me. so don’t even try.

I’m forgiving: I will have my revenge and forget.

I’m the girl who has her phone in her hands, headphones in her ears and that one guy on her mind.

I’m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened yesterday.

My ethics are so clear and transparent that you can’t even see them.

Sometimes I wish my mouth had a Pause button…

I’m so hilarious. I’m the only one who gets my jokes.

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40 Funny Self Love Quotes

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It’s not always easy to practice self-love and compassion.

But finding an inspiring quote that helps to remind you, is a great way to keep the importance of self-love and care at the forefront of your mind.

What’s even better, is a collection of funny self-love quotes – because things are always lighter, brighter and more positive if you’re able work on your personal development AND have a little laugh along the way!

Here is a great collection of 40 funny quotes on self-love, self-worth and having self-compassion. Enjoy!

40 Funny Self-Love Quotes:

1.

“Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, “Oh crap, she’s up!’” Unknown

2.

“I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.” Johnny Depp

3.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” Maxwell Maltz

4.

“L’Oreal’s slogan ‘because you’re worth it’ has come to epitomise banal narcissism of early 21st century capitalism; easy indulgence and effortless self-love all available at a flick of the credit card.” Geoff Mulgan

5.

One advantage of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.” A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

6.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” Louise L. Hay

7.

“It’s not your job to like me…it’s mine!” Byron Katie

8.

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” Diane Von Furstenberg

9.

“Your problem is you’re … too busy holding onto your unworthiness.” Ram Dass

10.

“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.” Oscar Wilde

11.

“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.” Unknown

12.

“I am a queen because I know how to govern myself.” Lailah Gifty Akita

13.

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” Ellen DeGeneres

14.

“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.” Unknown

15.

“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” Maya Angelou

16.

“Self-love seems so often unrequited.” Anthony Powell

17.

“We must not allow other people’s limited perceptions to define us.” Virginia Satir

18.

“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.” A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

19.

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” Lucille Ball

20.

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” Mark Twain

21.

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” Cathy Guisewite

22.

“When I was around 18, I looked in the mirror and said, ‘You’re either going to love yourself or hate yourself.’ And I decided to love myself. That changed a lot of things.” Queen Latifah

23.

“I’ve finally stopped running away from myself. Who else is there better to be?” Golden Hawn

24.

“Yes, I am weird, weird is good. Normal is overrated.” Mad-D

25.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” Lao Tzu

26.

“The things that make me different are the things that make me me.” A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

27.

“In a society that profits from your self-doubt, loving yourself is a rebellious act.” Unknown

28.

“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.” Mae West

29.

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.” Frank Zappa

30.

“The nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually.” A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

31.

“Don’t belittle yourself. Be BIG yourself.” Corita Kent

32.

“It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love.” Voltaire

33.

“I don’t wear the opinions of others anymore, I learnt to dress myself.” Nikki Rowe

34.

“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”Unknown

35.

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.” Tina Fey

36.

“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.” Unknown

37.

“Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity.” – Andre Gide

38.

“People think, ‘Oh, I’m loving myself by sitting on this sofa for four hours.’ Love yourself enough to get up!” Alison Sweeney

39.

“You were born to be real, not to be perfect.” Unknown

40.

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” Unknown

Looking for some more great ideas on self love?:

  • ​30 Self-Acceptance Quotes That Will Have You Thinking
  • ​​36 Inspiring Quotes About Self Confidence
  • 40 Quotes To Inspire You To Take Care of Yourself
  • Love Yourself Quotes – 40 Inspiring Quotes on Self-Acceptance
  • 55 Beautiful Quotes About Self-Love
  • Self-Inspirational Quotes
  • Simple Quotes About Me, Myself and I!

Note: This article has been updated to reflect comments and content as of April 4th, 2016! It was originally published on November 24th, 2014.

You probably heard the saying, first impression is the last impression? Well that’s true in social media as it is in real life, and often times even more judgmental. Often times people create their online persona to reflect what they really want to be, not always what they are.

Someone may downplay their weaknesses and focus on their strengths to impress new friends online. Everyone remembers when they find out about a cool new Twitter or Instagram account and start following the person.

Often time’s it’s the funny or clever Instagram bios that best stick in someone’s mind and create a good first impression. But it’s not always clear how to make the best first impression. It’s a combination of being cool, funny, creative, unique and thoughtful.

That’s where I come in, I’ve compiled a list of the top Instagram bios from around the world and compiled them below so that you can get a good idea of what makes a good bio. But first, let’s get into a bit of tips on how to create your very own.

“Charm was a scheme for making strangers like and trust a person immediately, no matter what the charmer had in mind.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

Tips On Great Instagram Bios

Creating your own bio can be daunting but below are some tips to get you going. If you read through the top bios below, you will notice that there are certain trends in them and that will give you a good idea of the building blocks necessary to be successful.

Make your bio short and sweet. No one likes long wordy descriptions and the shorter it is, the more memorable it will be.

Try to incorporate something funny into your bio to make people laugh, they are much more likely to remember it if they laugh while reading the description.

Create something that is unique to you and only you. This should be a glimpse into who you are and what you’re interested in. Make sure it does just that.

Read through the best Instagram bios to get ideas for your very own. You will notice that as you read through you will pick up on what strikes you as memorable and well done.

Use something that is commonly known, you could use a saying from a famous person, an alliteration that people may know, or a rhyme that is commonly told. If people have already heard something similar, they will recognize it and will be more likely to remember it.

Ultimately, the goal is to have a memorable bio and one that puts you in the best light. Make sure you are doing just that when writing your very own.

If you need any help editing your bio, check out the Instagram Help Center, which will walk you through steps to edit your profile photo, name, username, email, and bio.

123 Funniest Instagram Bios

Without further ado, below are the best bios compiled from around the web. Let us know in the comments section below if you found other Instagram bios that aren’t on the list that should be. As more and more people sign up, there will be an ever increasing number of awesome descriptions to admire. Let’s give these men and women a congrats for coming up with some wicked good content.

    • *Insert your bio here*
    • A Caffeine dependent life-form
    • A human. Being.
    • A man of mystery and power, whose power is exceeded only by his mystery
    • Absolutely awkward, proudest of nerd & geek, decreaser of world sucking
    • Aggressively infancy and stuff
    • All you hipsters need to stop wearing Nirvana shirts if you don’t even listen to them.
    • Analogue at birth, digital by design
    • Anyone knows my Instagram username not making a new account again.
    • Are you a banker because I’d like you to leave me a loan
    • Bald. Often Unreliable. Easily distracte
    • Born at a very young age
    • Buddy, can you paradigm?
    • Buoyant, waggish, efficacious, indefatigable, demiurgic, convivial marketing companion, self-made thousandaire
    • Camping is intents
    • Can someone tell me my Instagram username I locked myself out and I do not know what to do
    • Chocolate doesn’t ask questions, chocolate understands
    • Coffee-Drinker, eReader Addict, Blogger. I’m very busy and awesome
    • Currently starring in my own reality show titled, A Modern Cinderella; One Girl’s Search for Love and Shoe
    • Currently working towards an MBA with an emphasis in fantasy football
    • Don’t think for a second that I actually care what you have to say

Dream big (tiny font)

    • Eating a whole apple core because you can’t be bothered going to the bin, admit it, you’ve done it.
    • Every storm runs out of rain
    • Fabulous ends in “us” coincidence? I think not
    • Generally, the path of least resistance appeals. Also, I am excellent at parallel parking.
    • God bless this hot mess
    • Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.
    • Have lots of hair and like ugly things
    • Here to serve…. the cat overlord
    • I absolutely hate Instagram, and anything else having to do with hashtags.
    • I always feel sad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies?
    • I am an actor and a writer and I co-created my breakfast and my son, Malachai.
    • I am coming back to face the reality that a normal day is not beer on the beach or calamari in the belly.
    • I can quote (Insert movie) better than you and all your friends.
    • I Can’t remember who I stole my bio from or why
    • I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on HD somewhere.
    • I have this new theory that human adolescence doesn’t end until your early thirties.
    • I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt
    • I looked at my Instagram photos and realized I look beautiful.
    • I once sneezed a beanie weenie through my nose. I also made a horse faint in Costa Rica.
    • I only rap caucasionally
    • I prefer my puns intended
    • I put the hot in psychotic
    • I recently gave up Warcraft so my productivity, and drinking, have increased dramatically.
    • I shouldn’t be allowed to go on Snapchat, Facebook or Instagram when I’m drunk!

I still don’t understand Twitter, but here I am.

    • I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks.
    • I think it’s weird if a girl doesn’t have an Instagram now days.
    • I used to act. I also belly dance and eat Jolly Ranchers – not always at the same time though.
    • I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around
    • I will go into survival mode if tickled
    • I’m a force to be reckoned with, I reckon
    • I’m not glad it’s “Friday” I’m glad it’s “Today”. Love your life 7 days a week.
    • I’m starting to like Instagram, which is weird because I hate pictures.
    • I’ve always thought being popular on Instagram is as about as useless as being rich in monopoly
    • I’m a Basset Hound aficionado with a mouth like a Syphilitic sailor.
    • I’m a Texan with lots of opinions and pretty hair.
    • I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I am joking.
    • I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook.
    • I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.
    • I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
    • I’m real and I hope some of my followers are too.
    • I’m really a giant cupcake. Afraid of roller coasters and dry ice
    • If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment
    • If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together
    • In search of sleep, sanity, & The Shire
    • Insert pretentious stuff about myself here.
    • It’s Weird that all pics shared from Instagram are always blurring.

Just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin

    • Just another paper cut survivor
    • Just keep swimming
    • Life is dumb and I want to sleep
    • Living vicariously through myself
    • Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.
    • Mama said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get
    • Mermaids don’t do homework
    • My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
    • My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart
    • My life was changed by a train.
    • Promo Codes for life.
    • My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos and sweatpants
    • Naturally and artificially flavored
    • Nice guys finish lunch.
    • Nothing more than a man who cared enough to try
    • Oh I’m sorry was my sass too much for you?
    • OMG no one cares
    • Only Swag girls are fascinated by hashtags on the Facebook.
    • Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee. Coincidence? I think not.
    • Please insert pretentious crap about myself here.
    • Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.
    • Probably the best meat eater in the world

Proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants

    • Pudding tastes better with a plastic spoon
    • Putting’ the ‘elation’ in ‘Public Relations’
    • Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things.
    • Recovering ice cream addict
    • S P E C T A C U L A R V E R N A C U L A R
    • Someday, there’s going to be an updated version of me.
    • Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.
    • Spreading smiles like they’re herpes
    • Stay classy
    • Super cali swagilistic hella dopeness
    • That awkward moment you get accepted to all the schools you applied for.
    • The bags under my eyes belong to kaya west
    • The fat on my body is designer
    • The only person on Instagram who doesn’t claim to be a social media guru.
    • The only thing stopping me from being pure white trash is my lack of motivation.
    • There shouldn’t be a fear of getting old. It’s the fear of not getting there that scares me.
    • There’s no such thing as darkness, just an absence of light
    • To infinity and beyond
    • Trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
    • Where the hell am I, and how did I get here?
    • White lips, pale face, I hate the entire human race
    • Why look up at the stars when the biggest star is me

Will show ankle for five minutes of wireless

  • Winner of World’s Best Wife Award (Category: Nagging)
  • Words cannot express my love & passion for Fridays!
  • You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also put peanut butter in your butthole, if you feel like it.
  • You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use over their mouth!
  • You is kind, you is smart, you is important
  • You know your in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
  • You’re too rad to be sad.
  • You’re a 10, on the pH scale, maybe. Cuz you’re basic

New Instagram Bios of 2015

I’m here to bring you brand new 2015 Instagram bios to keep you up to speed on the very newest and best bios out there. I’ll try to update with the very best 2015 bios and continually keep you laughing at these awesome examples. As usual, leave a comment below if you want to share your bio with everyone too! Also, check out PC Login Online for more tips on Instagram.

Keep in mind that if you want to learn some tips and tricks about bios you can always browse through Appamatix. One cool trick is that you can create your bio in Microsoft Word and from there copy and paste it into Instagram. That way you can create emojis or symbols in Word and it will keep the same ones for you when you copy and paste it. It’s a quick and easy way to get around the limited editing options for bios within the Instagram app!

    • Millennial and proud of it
    • Things just ain’t the same for gangstas
    • This is my simple Chipotle dependent life
    • Car, house, or trip to Thailand? Let’s pack our bags
    • The reason I like you is simple, love, laughter, and your smile
    • How we live our life is far more important than how we say we live our life
    • The best of me is yet to come
    • Making history
    • On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 15
    • Math: Mental Abuse To Humans
    • Let go and let the world pass through your fingertips
    • Is it bad I’m constantly craving either cupcakes or donuts?
    • BAE means bacon and eggs

Exercise, ex..er..cise, ex…ar..cise, eggs are sides, for BACON!

  • When we met there was romance in the air, a sense of the world stopping still
  • I only use Instagram to stalk…
  • I’ve never been able to figure out this damn Twitter bio thing
  • I’m done with my dinner when I’ve had my dessert
  • This isn’t rocket science, you take a photo of brunch and you hashtag #yolo #sundayfunday
  • I haven’t been myself ever since I was born
  • This is my last Instagram bio ever
  • I wish I knew when my Dominos pizza would arrive
  • I’ve been waiting hours and I’ll be waiting for hours more, till my love arrives and my heart’s fulfilled
  • When I’m not on Instagram I’m on Netflix watching OITNB
  • Why would I ever leave the house when there’s Netflix and ice cream waiting for me
  • I do yoga sometimes, drink sometimes, party sometimes, and study rarely

New Instagram Bios of 2016

We’re back again, this time with a fresh round of the best and brightest Instagram bios of 2016! We’re a third of the way through a brand spankin’ new year, and the same practices and tricks we’ve featured previously are still going strong; however, they’re now strapped with a more contemporary sense of humor!

As ever, browse through Appamatix for tips and tricks to improve you Instagram experience. Without further ado, let’s screen some bios!

  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
  • Recommended by 4 out of 5 people that recommend things.
  • Everything on this earth is self-centered, the difference is the radius.
  • I still don’t understand Instagram, but here I am!
  • I am so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
  • Can Bob the Builder fix my bad attitude?
  • I have not failed, my success is just postponed for some time.
  • One person’s LOL is another person’s WTF.
  • I will be back before you pronounce afjkhnfknluancakhufhjcnk.
  • Always give your 100%, unless you’re donating blood.
  • Life is too short to update Instagram bios.
  • I have good news and bad news to tell you. The bad news is that I don’t have any good news. The good news is that I don’t have any bad news.
  • Knowledge is like underwear, important to have, but not necessary to show off.
  • Wi-Fi, food, my bed. Perfection.
  • Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  • Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe, one day, you’ll find a brain back there.
  • I don’t make mistakes. I date them.
  • Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  • Due to an intense mind fog, all of my thoughts have been grounded until further notice.
  • I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way, when I forget, it reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’
  • The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!
  • My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I never talk to myself, anymore.
  • I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.
  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  • I hold the key to world piece, but somebody changed the lock!
  • I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.
  • Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

That wraps up our guide on the best Instagram bios around the world. Let us know if there are any that we missed that you think should be included in this guide.

Grab some coffee and get a load of these funny good morning quotes. You’ll get the impression that there’s no such thing as a morning person no matter how smart or successful you are. Everyone has a hard time getting started at 8 am. Don’t feel like you’re alone.

1. Phil Dunphy on Sunrises.

“Everyone should experience a sunrise at least once a day.” – Phil Dunphy

Where better to start our day than with America’s favorite new dad? Phil Dunphy from the series Modern Family has a way with obvious words. Every day does indeed start with a sunrise, and that’s the way every morning should start.

2. Richard Whately on Losing an Hour.

“Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it.” – Richard Whately

Perhaps a bit more inspirational than most in our list, Whately inspires us to get going. If you lose time now, you might be behind all day. Keep that in mind while you put things off in the morning.

3. Glen Cook on Wonderful Mornings.

“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.” – Glen Cook

I think we can all relate to Glen Cook here. We could all be morning people if morning would just sleep in an extra 10 or 110 minutes. The only way any of us manage to get up anymore is the alarm clock.

4. Jarod Kintz on Dreaming.

“I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.” – Jarod Kintz

I think we can all relate to the sound of an alarm clock being a part of a dream. The worst is not waking up from a fake alarm that was only a dream. The worst is actually when your actual alarm becomes some part of your bank robbery dream and you sleep right through. Good luck explaining that to the boss.

5. Fulton J. Sheen on 2 Ways to Wake Up.

“There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, ‘Good morning, God,’ and the other is to say, ‘Good God, morning’!” – Fulton J. Sheen

I believe that most of us fall into this second category of people. Most mornings bring with them the reminders of work and and other responsibilities. Most of us would settle for just a few hours sleep, and so we begin the bargaining.

6. Rachel Caine on Afternoons.

“Afternoons are hard. Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don’t do them anymore.” – Rachel Caine

Mornings are from hell. That’d be so nice if we could all start our day at our leisure. Who came up with this whole working 40 hours a week thing anyway? The French are really onto something with this 30 hour work week.

7. Mitch Hedburg Considers a Beret.

“Sometimes I wake up and think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it.” – Mitch Hedburg

Those early morning thoughts are the best. We begin to talk ourselves into the craziest things. There’s also that argument we have with ourselves about calling out for the day. Do we have the hours? Is this really worth using our hours?

8. Robert Frost on the Brain.

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost

The truth is that most of us have our best thoughts early in the morning. They aren’t always about wearing berets. Sometimes we can even stop and smell the roses. By the time we walk into the office, our mind has left the building.

9. Bob Dole on Feeling Older.

“You feel a little older in the morning. By noon I feel about 55.” – Bob Dole

Bob Dole made this observation well into his 60s. By the time afternoon rolls around, most of us feel that we could run a marathon. Anything would be better than facing those wee morning hours and the rush hour traffic.

10. Benjamin Franklin on Obituaries.

“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin

While it might be odd to actually end up reading your own obituary, it’s a great way to gauge your approach to the day. Unfortunately, the statistics are in and 0% of people have ever read their own obituary in the morning paper.

11. Groucho Marx Once Shot an Elephant.

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx

Groucho was a master at turning a phrase and exploiting dangling modifiers. This image makes people laugh almost a hundred years later. Just imagine an elephant squeezing into some striped pajamas with a little stocking cap on his head.

12. Robert Orben Wants to Be Rich.

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

This morning ritual seems more logical but it’s even more unrealistic in America. With the richest 1% an ever shrinking list, the reality of becoming a newcomer is more unlikely than reading your own obituary.

13. Mark Twain on the Most Important Meal of the Day.

“If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” – Mark Twain

Another day, another dollar. When you have to figuratively eat the frog, eat the biggest one first. Great advice from the father of American Literature. If you start with the biggest problem you’ve got, the day goes smoother.

14. Mark Twain Tells His Secret.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” – Mark Twain

It’s tough to get started when you feel like you’re eating a frog. The fact of the matter is that you have to get started despite how hard it is to take the first step. Just know that every step you take gets you closer to 5pm (or whatever quitting time might be).

15. Lewis Black on Coffee’s Side Effects.

“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.” – Lewis Black

Coffee is the most widely used drug in the world. It’s classified as a beverage but with all the hallucinating it provides and the dependencies we develop, it should definitely be classified as a drug. Are you feeling awake yet?

16. T. S. Eliot on Coffee Spoons.

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” – T. S. Eliot

Many of us can say this same thing, especially if you’re caught in the cycle of work, eat, sleep. If life can be measured so frivolously, we have to take a step back and realize that it can’t be taken all too seriously.

17. Ursula Le Guin on Mornings Arrival.

“Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.” – Ursula K. Le Guin

The alarm clock only signals us. Morning is going to come whether we decide to participate or not. Plus, even if you sleep in a little later, you are just delaying that inevitable wake up morning that we all dread.

18. Willie Geist’s Morning Routine.

“My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door.” – Willie Geist

Everyone survives years of being a young adult by embracing this morning routine. We all remember the time we didn’t brush our hair, the time we had a shirt on inside out, or the numerous times we wore mismatched socks.

19. Catherynne Valente on Morning Battles.

“Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield.” – Catherynne M. Valente

The snooze button is without a doubt our only defense against morning. Even the most expensive blackout drapes can’t stop the sun from eventually peeking through and pulling us out of bed and reluctantly onto our feet.

20. Picasso on Work.

“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.” – Pablo Picasso

Why did we invent the alarm clock? That is one of those impossible questions like the chicken and the egg. Which came first: The early morning work schedule for a 40 hour week or the introduction of the alarm clock.

21. Edward Packard on Lawyers.

“The lawyer’s first thought in the morning is how to handle the case of the ringing alarm clock.” – Edward Packard, Jr.

It’s never too early to make fun of lawyers. With lawyers always looking for ways to exploit everything under the sun to squeeze yet another nickel out of it, it’s no doubt they contemplate the various levels of litigation in the alarm clock.

22. Jackie Chan Talk Coffee.

“Coffee is a language in itself.” – Jackie Chan

The best part of waking up is having a warm mug of java. It’s important to enjoy that coffee. Trying to face the day without that first and supremely important conversation is like trying to enter the Kentucky Derby on a donkey.

23. David Lynch on Bad Coffee.

“Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.” – David Lynch

That says it all. It’s better to suffer with whatever garbage brown water you can get your hands on than to suffer through the first few hours with no caffeine in your system. Choke down the awful stuff if you must. Don’t go to battle alone.

24. James Marsden on Waking Up.

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.” – James Marsden

When I was young, I jumped out of bed with excitement in my life. I can’t remember the last time I woke up like that. I think most days we all wake up with thoughts of how comfortable the bed will be later that night. Only 16 hours before I can lay back down…

25. Jeannette Winterson on Hurting.

“Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?” – Jeanette Winterson

As we get older, it’s impossible to wake up and find that spring in your step. In your 20s, you have no idea that things can hurt. In your 30s, you already see the downward slope. When things are stiff, it’s even harder to get out of bed.

26. Jarod Kintz on the Daily Grind.

“I’m about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. LIke a true hustler.” – Jarod Kintz

Everybody likes to think of themselves as a real badass. The reality is that we are all more likely to get our grinding done in the kitchen than we are in the clubs. The only hustling we get done is that rush to get out the door before we miss the perfect traffic window.

27. Anthony Liccione Still Isn’t Ready.

“No! I’m not ready, this is still my first cup of coffee!” – Anthony Liccione

We can all relate to needing just 5 more minutes and one more cup of coffee before we really get anything productive done. After all, when was the last time you saw a crucial email with the timestamp of 8:01?

Read this next:

46 Good Morning Quotes to Inspire and Motivate You
55 Funny Quotes and Sayings to Brighten Your Life

Whether it’s a play on words, a funny observation about everyday things or old witty sayings, comedy has a way of making us realize we’re all going through the same stuff in this crazy life. These funny quotes about work, love, friends and family will have you saying, “So true!” because, well, they are. Others will have you remembering hilarious, meme-worthy movie and TV moments.

Take a much-needed break from your day to check out the 101 funniest quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle.

1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
—Mitch Hedberg

2. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove

3. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

4. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
—David Letterman

5. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey

6. Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space

7. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
—Mark Twain

8. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell

9. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner

10. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”
—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day

11. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
—Erma Bombeck

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller

13. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
—Ellen DeGeneres

14. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous

15. “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld

16. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office

17. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
—Anonymous

18. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield

19. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson

20. “There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
—Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus

21. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright

22. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley”
—Ted Striker (Robert Hays) and Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!

23.“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
―Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

24. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
—Joan Rivers

25. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
—Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear

26. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
—Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy

27. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

28. “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”
—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up

29. “Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”
—Lessons from the Minivan

30. “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”
—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory

Related: 101 Corny Jokes

31. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”
—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club

32. Usher: “Bride or groom?”
Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”
—Four Weddings and a Funeral

33. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”
Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”
—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

34. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

35. Lucy: “There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.”
Fred: “Your feet?”
—Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley), I Love Lucy

36. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
—Anonymous

37. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?”
Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in.”
—Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers

38. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”
—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey

40. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
—Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

RELATED: 101 Knock Knock Jokes

41. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

42. “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
—Anonymous

43. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton

44. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

45. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin

46. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”
—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm

47. “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
—Sir Norman Wisdom

48. “That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”
—Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

49. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
—Adam Gropman

50. “Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?”
—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

RELATED: 75 Happy Songs

51. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
—Groucho Marx

52. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
—Jay Leno

53. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
—Steve Martin

54. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
—Dave Barry

55. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.”
—Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective

56. “What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.”
—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding

57. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
—George Burns

58. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”
—Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

59. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
—Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny

60. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
—Ellen DeGeneres

61. Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?”
Clouseau: “The exploding kind.”
—Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again

62. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
—Tina Fey, Bossypants

63. “There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
—Anonymous

64. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
—Robin Williams

65. “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
—Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory

66. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”
—Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters

67. Police officer: “Pull over.”
Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.”
—Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber

68. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
—Bob Hope

69. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”
—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

70. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
—Anonymous

71. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
—Mark Twain

72. “Woke up today. It was terrible.”
—Grumpy Cat

73. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
—Anonymous

74. “I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.”
—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal

75. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors

76. “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”
—Erma Bombeck

77. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace

78. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals.”
Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
Individual: “I’m not!”
—Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian

79. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids

80. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
—Oscar Wilde

81. “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”
—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally

82. “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.”
—Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

83. “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”
—Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City

84: Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today.”
Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’?”
—Waitress, the Musical

85. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
—Anonymous

86. “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White

87. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”
—Maria Bamford

88. “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
—Jarod Kintz

89. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”
—Dorothy Parker

90. “The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”
—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail

91. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
—Lin-Manuel Miranda

92. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
—Anonymous

93. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
—Groucho Marx

94. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada

95. “My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”
—Shonda Rimes

96. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
—Damien Fahey

97. “Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”
—Anonymous

98. “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
—Jack Whitehall

99. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
—Noel Coward

100. “Trying is the first step toward failure.”
—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

101. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
—Zach Galifianakis

Want more great quotes? Check out…
50 Thinking of You Quotes
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Humour is the best medicine. May these funny quotes brighten up your day. Enjoy.

1. “That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and you can’t do it.” Anonymous

2. “Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.” Anonymous

3. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” Anonymous

4. “Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family, they seem like good people.” Anonymous

5. “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.” Anonymous

6. “I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down. But I had to use my arms to get back up so….you know, close enough. I need some chocolate.” Anonymous

7. “Diet Day 1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.” Anonymous

8. “Why does cooking take like 6 hours and eating like 3 seconds and washing dishes like 7 days and 7 nights.” Anonymous

9. “I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” Anonymous

10. “My mind is like my internet browser – at least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.” Anonymous

11. “I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” Anonymous

12. “That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.” Anonymous

13. “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” Anonymous

14. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” Groucho Marx

15. “Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.” Anonymous

16. “When you accidentally open a text message and now have to reply.” Anonymous

17. “I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a ‘cell’ phone.” Anonymous

18. “Why am I getting older and wider instead of older and wiser?” Anonymous

19. “My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.” Anonymous

20. “I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.” Anonymous

21. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” Ogden Nash

22. “You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake.” Anonymous

23. “My day starts backwards… I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.” Anonymous

24. “I am putting you on my to-do list.” Anonymous

25. “Lazy rule: can’t reach it, don’t need it.” Anonymous

26. “Well, apparently rock bottom has a basement.” Anonymous

27. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” Bill Murray

28. “I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.” Anonymous

29. “You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.” Jim Carrey

30. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” Anonymous

31. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” George Calin

32. “I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.” Anonymous

33. “Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.” Anonymous

34. “Your secrets are safe with me… I wasn’t even listening.” Anonymous

35. “I may look like I’m having deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about what I’m going to eat later.” Anonymous

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